Club Dead: Chapter 1 - Bill...a Computer Geek?

I know what you  must be thinking...how come so many posts in such a short time? Well, I've given myself  a kick in the ass, and let me tell you - I'm not as flexible as I thought I was. Anyhow, on with the Sookie series of moron-dom.

Club Dead:  Book 3

The book starts off with Sookie being pissed off because Bill is working on a computer. He seems to be more attached to it than he does to Sookie. She tries to turn him on, but she gets no reaction from him.

Now, Bill, don't you know that when Sookie wants attention, she gets attention? She's a hard working waitress who wants some loving from her boyfriend as soon as she walks in the door. So, she creeps behind him and gives his back the stink eye. How dare he not rip her clothes off? Because she's nosey and has to know everything, she starts to look at Bill's computer as he works. He notices and turns it right off. Um, mind your freaking business, Sookie. 

Harris starts talking about the ways you know how vamps are turned on, and about fang-bangers, and makes sure to note that Sookie isn't a fang-banger. Really? And you're going to stick to that story. Oooohhhh-kay. 

Sookie continues on with her bitchy self, and uses her word of the day - libido. Wow, she must have a very limited vocabulary if these are words she's just learning in her late (or mid, whatever) twenties. Bill tells her to forget what she saw on the computer, which is Bill making a vampire database, complete with photos. He tells her it's secret, and she has to struggle with herself to decide whether to stay or not. Wow. You interrupt your boyfriend working, and you expect him to be all "I'm so sorry, honey, I should have stopped that stupid important work that I've been hired to do as soon as you came in!!" Who has hired him to do this work? The queen of Louisiana. Sookie finds it funny that there's a queen of Louisiana. I don't know why it's so funny, but maybe you have to have the IQ of a toadstool to find certain things funny. You certainly do to think that saying "I must be gonna live" is at all in the English language okay to say. 

The queen lives in New Orleans, which is a mecca for vampires. Harris babbles on about why vamps were able to mainstream into society, and all that "I'm writing a new book, so I can fill up some pages with re-hashed bullshit" nonsense is out. Really, for a couple pages, she just talks about the world's reaction to vampires. Now what I find funny is that France, Italy and Germany are noted as not being vampire friendly, but the USA is. I doubt it. From what I can tell as an outsider, the US (or at least, those in decision making power) isn't really too fond of people unless they're white, rich, straight and of the male persuasion. I do realise I'm generalising, and I know it's not everyone, but when I look at their laws on gay marriage et al...France, Italy and Germany could generally give a fuck, but...anyhow, that's politics, and I just call BS on the USA being the leader in vampire tolerance. Maybe some day it will change.

Sookie wants to know how much more time will be wasted working when he could be spending time pleasuring her, and he says as long as it takes. Brava, Monsieur Bill!! Sookie pouts that maybe it's best if she stays away while he's busy, and he says that's a good idea. Sookie's about to start whimpering, and Bill starts talking to her (well, to her back, since he only deserves to talk to her ass right now) and says that if anything happens to him, there's copies of everything in his sleeping place. Oh, and that if he's not back in a couple months, she should seek Eric's protection, because he's going to Seattle. I don't know what Seattle has to do with anything, but I guess we'll find out. 

On her way to work the next day, Sookie drives by the Bellefleur house, and notices that all sorts of renos are going on. Harris makes sure to note that Sookie's gramma died. Does this have anything to do with anything? You bet it doesn't. Sookie believes that the sudden wealth has nothing to do with the Bellefleurs and everything to do with her. I don't understand why at all. Because you said Mrs. Bellefleur's full name in front of Bill, and he figured out FOR HIMSELF that he was related to them, and therefore gave them HIS money? Yeah, and why exactly are you responsible? Oh, that's right, you're not. Sookie didn't even find out who the murderer was, the maenad did, and then the maenad punished (okay, killed) all the murderers. Sookie "tries not to be bitter" (yeah, right) as she drives away, noting that Terry Bellefleur has a new truck (and she can barely afford the maintenance on her old piece of shit car), and thinks to herself that when Bill finally comes back, he'll be able to spend all of his attention on her, and not some stupid important work project. Poor little rejected Sookie.

Overview: Really, nothing to break down. Bill ignores Sookie because he has a job to do. Sookie gets mad. The Bellefleurs are using their money to renovate their house. Sookie gets bitter. Sookie drives away and feels sorry for her pathetic self.

Living Dead in Dallas: Chapter 11 - Clean a Mess, Get a Cake, Grow a Family

Sookie's pretty grossed out by the mess on the porch, and Eric mentions that they're going to have to burn the cabin down. Eric and Bill chat while mucking in the guts, and kind of talk about Sookie etc. I don't know if Sookie's eyes are closed, if she's in some kind of trance or what the fuck is going on, but Bill and Eric are talking about her like she's not there, but knowing that she can hear them. It's all very stupid. Sam's returned to his human form, is naked, but Sookie's okay with that. Bill and Eric find Tara alive in the gooey mess, and Tara runs over to Sookie.

Here's a lovely quote. Sookie says "I must be gonna live". Now, I googled it, and it's not from a movie. Or a song. So, yeah, it's just fucking stupid. Who the fuck would say that. Seriously. Turns out, Andy and Eggs are still alive. Tara is acting slightly mentally left-behind. Tara, it turns out, is a judgemental douchebag like Sookie, and calls Portia a dog. Harris then calls Tara inferior. So, there's a lot of cuntiness going on in the first couple pages, and not a lot of sense-making. Sam ends up driving Tara home (in her white Camero...Eric has a red Corvette - ah, the delights of thinking upper class but the reality of being white trash). Eric glamours Eggs not to remember what went down, and offers the same to Tara, but she wants to remember what a whore she was. But...after reasoning that Tara might tell what happened at the cabin, Eric glamours her too.

Sookie asks Eric why Bill hates the Bellefleurs (um, I don't think he ever came across as hating them...if so, then why was he hanging out with Portia?) and Eric says it's a tale as old as time, song as old as rhyme...

Um, apparently Portia has has decided to come out to Sex Fire Alley, and runs over to Andy, and accuses the vampires of fucking him up. Sookie says that they (the vampires) saved his life. Bil wakes Andy up, and Andy asks if the people lumps of red goo on the porch are the ones who killed Lafayette. Bill confirms it, but there's no proof. Amazingly, Mike the Coroner has kept L's wallet all this time, and so they leave it in one of the dead people's cars for the po-po to find.

Portia, seeming to be a well adjusted and polite person, apologises for using Bill in order to wrangle an invitation to the sex club. She says she hopes it didn't scar Sookie too much, and thanks Sookie for helping Andy. Sookie, being the WonderKunt she is, bitches at Portia, saying that she wasn't helping Andy, she was doing it for L. Portia then takes Andy home. I hope Bill takes Sookie home soon, and gets her to take some fucking Midol for her PMS.

Sookie asks where the maenad went, and Bill says he doesn't know. Sookie doesn't understand why Sam spent time with the maenad, to which I say that's really none of your fucking business, since Sookie doesn't like it when people question her decision to date vampires, so shaddafuckup. Turns out Bill smoothed everything out in Dallas - I'm thinking that's where he was instead of being Sookie's fuck-buddy at the orgy.

Bill and Sookie go to Sookie's place, and she makes herself a peanut butter and jelly sandwich (which shows her maturity level). Bill takes a shower, then tells Sookie to join him. She says that it will just be a tease because...ahem..."I'll be clean but...unloved." Really? REALLY? After feelings so disgusted and dirty because of the perverted sex at the cabin? I don't know, but I think after being involved in something like that, I wouldn't really be in the sex mood, especially if Sookie was as disgusted as she claimed to be. Also, take a shower, moron...I'm sure you're covered in blood and goo and terror stank. Instead, she falls alseep and is woken up by Bill the next day, feeling like "mouldy bread". Must be  because of her yeast infection.

Naturally, Sookie and Bill fuck as soon as she wakes up. And the dirty whore still hasn't taken a friggin shower yet. After having sex, Sookie decides the most important thing to do is get the newspaper, and that's when she finds a big award winning chocolate cake that Mrs. Bellefleur made, just for Sookie. Bill mentions that the cake smells delicious, and if Sookie could wear it as a perfume that he'd eat her up, and she says he already did. That means that Bill ate dirty smelly Sookie box. I think I just threw up in my mouth a bit. There's a message on Sookie's machine, and it's Mrs. Bellefleur saying thank you for helping Andy. I'm surprised that Sookie doesn't call up old Mrs. Bellefleur and say "Fuck you, old lady, I was helping Lafayette - I told your ugly granddaughter that last night!" Then Sookie says Mrs. Bellefleur's whole name: Caroline Holliday Bellefleur. Bill tells Sookie to go get his Bible from his house - turns out that there's a family tree inside the Bible. Bill starts to go through it, making mention of some of the names. Guess who Bill's great-granddaughter is - you got it!! Old Lady Bellefleur! So, yeah, Bill goes from "hating" the Bellefleurs (which I still don't recall being stressed ever) to being related and wanting to do something for them. Sookie tells Bill they need money, because they're cash poor. Really? Andy works on the police force and Portia is a successful (from what I can tell) lawyer. Why is there no money? Anyhow, Sookie asks why Bill didn't like the Bellefleurs before, and he says it's because the story he told to Sookie's gran's old lady club - the one about the soldier who was calling for help in the middle of a field - it was a Bellefleur. I don't know if I recapped that story. Nope, I did not. Whatever, Bill told a story about a soldier crying for help in the middle of a battlefield and one of his co-soldiers (whatever they're called) died trying to save him. He's apparently hated the Bellefleurs ever since.

Bill thanks Sookie. Why? Because she makes him feel human. Bill says if anything ever happens to him, Sookie should go to Eric. He says the Fellowship are still dangerous. The book ends with Bill's skin was glowing in the dark, and so was Sookie's. I don't know if that's more a metaphorical thing, but I really don't care.

Overview:  Eric and Bill clean up the maenad's mess. The maenad killed everyone but Sookie, Tara, Eggs and Andy. Bill and Sookie screw (I don't even know if this is worth repeating all the time, but I enjoy it). Sookie gets a cake. Bill gets a family.

Living Dead in Dallas: Chapter 10 - House Sex Paaaaaartay!!

Okay, just a heads up, people. I'm plowing through the last two chapters so I can be finished with this god-damned book. So...you're welcome.

Bill leaves a message on Sookie's machine saying she had better not go to the party alone, and suggests she brings Jason to the party. Uh, whafuck? Wouldn't that be one of the most uncomfortable sex parties ever? I mean, yeah, Sookie probably won't be sexing anyone up, but seriously, dude. Bring your bro to a fooking sex party? I want everyone to to go his or her sibling. Should you lack a sibling, substitute mother or father. Got it? Now ask him or her if they will accompany you to an underground sex party. Yeah. Maybe that's just okay in Bon Temps. 

While Sookie listens to her messages, she brushes her long, golden hair. I'm picturing Marcia a la Brady Bunch.

Eric walks in while Bill's cooing over the sexy night he had with Sookie. Sookie freaks out on him - because you know, that's what you do when people do you a favour. Eric asks what she's going to wear to the orgy, and Sookie casually mentions that though she knows she looks like a whore, she's never been to an orgy. Here is what Eric decides is appropriate.

A pink tank top with...

Lycra leggings. But not the same colour as above. Pink and aqua. 

With swirls (like her bro's truck).

I feel like I should wash my eyes with bleach after looking at these pictures. Oh my jeebus. This is what gay dudes wear to orgies. I've never been, so this could be very likely. But, for some reason, I don't think this is right. Sookie has no sexy clothes, so she wears shorts and a tank top. I mean, come on. Get with the program!! Why didn't she go shopping for some appropriate clothes? I'm sure Walmart has some sexy panties. The shorts are from her junior high days, so I'm thinking she's got some major camel toe going on.

Sookie mentions that they have the same hair colour, and Eric wonders if Sookie's carpet matches her drapes. I'm sure the answer is no. Eric mentions all his hair is blond. Eric tells Sookie to put some perfume on (to cover her nervous sweat?), and she puts on Obsession.

Another question - does anyone wear Obsession anymore? Really? I think that shit went out of style in 1993. I think you can buy it at drug stores now.

Eric asks what's going to happen at this party, and Sookie fills him in on her real agenda. During this, Sookie admits that she's not clever, which is just stating the obvious. She asks Eric to look after her at this party, and Eric's pretty surprised that she trusts him. Eric, feeling her blood tie, notes that she's happy. Well, of course she is. She's on her way to an orgy with a hot vampire who wants to suck her dry in order to clear up a murder. I mean, to feel any other emotion, like nervous, anxious, or upset...that would just make sense.

They arrive at the party, and Eric lays a huge smooch on Sookie, since they feel like people are watching them from the house. Of course, Sookie is an expert kisser. After kissing just one guy. Because Sookie's such a cock tease, Eric doesn't want to go in. He just wants Sookie all to himself.

So, the host of the party, Jan Fowler (I'll bet Lila is the daughter - and yes, that was a Sweet Valley reference...sue me), who is divorced (because all people who are divorced are into sex clubs) lets them in the house. Eggs is there with Tara, and is all turned on by Eric and his Lycra pants. Tara is embarrassed as hell to be there, apparently. Um, you know  you can say no to orgies. Mike Spencer (the coroner) and some Cleo chick are on the couch. Mike's nakkie and Cleo has underwear on. Cleo is also the high school lunch lady. Scrub that image out of your head. All I can picture is Chris Farley.

Mike's been titty-fucking Lunch Lady Cleo. You know how I know? Harris makes a comment on how Cleo's "huge milk-chocolate brown boobs" are all oily, as is Mike's pee-pee. Tara starts talking to Sookie while some dude is making his way up her inner thigh. Tara's, not Sookie's. Eggs comes back and starts to try to undo Sookie's shorts, while mentioning how huge Eric is.

Sookie's disgusted by the behaviour exhibited by people she's known all her life (what was she expecting, a chess tournament??), and is so happy that Eric's there. She starts to make out with Eric very enthusiastically. While doing this, she tries to read minds. Eggs starts thinking about Lafayette and his magic fingers, then about Lafayette struggling.

Jan starts to make out with Eric from behind, and starts rubbing Sookie's ass. All Jan is thinking about is Eric's huge wang and Cleo's milk jugs. She starts to read Mike's mind, and there's shit about Lafayette in there, and how they hurt him, and if they didn't stop, L would rat them out.

Sookie makes judgements about everyone there - that they're reprehensible for having sex for the sake of sex and not for the sake of love and togetherness. Um, get over yourself, bitch. Sookie tells Eric to get her the fuck out of there. Mike says to warm that cold fish, Sookie, up. Tom, the dude that was kissing up Tara's leg, takes a pause from his fish taco and gives Eric his blessing.

Sookie bitches to Eric about how dirty and disgusting those people were, and if people really like that kind of thing. Um, if they didn't, I don't think there'd be a huge calling for orgies, clubs, etc. etc. Eric mentions that the pervos are still watching them (he's laid her down on the hood of his car...I'm sure there's tons of insect guts etc on it), and starts to kiss Sookie. Sookie, of course, is on the case of who killed L, and mentions it could be Mike, Tom or Cleo. Eric is still trying to turn her on, and she (naturally) gets pissed off and says she doesn't like it. Bull...shit...

Eric is seriously trying to get her to fuck him, and says he'll protect her from Bill. Um, I don't think Bill will be pissed at Sookie, Eric. Sookie says that she'll ever have sex with someone else while Bill is her boyfriend and guess who shows up. Jason!! No, it's Bill. I just wanted to throw you for a loop, and not be as predictable as Harris. Anyhow, Bill is pissed that Sookie is with Eric.

Andy Bellefleur, for some reason, steps out of the bushes, all messy and stained. (Stained with what? He wasn't at the sex party...) Andy tells her to get away from Bill. I don't know why. He just does. Oh, and people come outside from the party. Some naked.

Bill is mad that she smells like Eric and...wait for this, it's hilarious...Sookie gets mad back. But that's not the funny part. The quote from the book is "...I lost my temper. This is a rare thing...". Um, bitch? Yeah, you getting mad? It's called a Tuesday. Or Wednesday. Fuck, it seems like you bitch out almost every day on someone else.

Anyhow, there's still the matter of Andy being drunk and holding a gun. He threatens to shoot Eric with silver bullets, which don't kill vampires. Andy starts yelling at the party goers to see which one killed L. He says if someone doesn't come forward, he'll shoot Sookie, saying that she wouldn't be much of a loss to the world (oh Andy, lurvs you!). Naturally, in the world where you don't threaten or even just dislike Sookie a little bit, shit rains down on you. She wants to squeeze Andy's balls (really, I can't make that shit up) but thinks he might shoot her if she does. Andy asks Sookie which one set him up, and she can't tell him because she's a shitty mind reader. Then Sam shows up in dog form. What the fuck is going on here? Anyhow, Sam starts to growl at Andy. Then guess who shows up!!?? Jason!! No, kidding again. You won't believe this (because it's so fucking stupid and this storyline should have never been introduced because it makes no sense and hasn't developed at fucking all)...it's the maenad. Yup. She's back. After not being talked about since the beginning of the book, and after being referenced last chapter. Seriously. So fucking stupid.

Her name is Callisto, who according to Greek mythology, was a nymph and associated with Artemis, goddess of the hunt, not at all a maenad. But then, research and logical, coherent stories are not a forte in this series. So, yeah, Callisto wants a tribute. Andy offers up the murderer, and Sookie corrects him and says it's not just one murderer. The people on the porch want some of Callisto, but Callisto asks Andy what he wants. Turns out, he just wants to know who the murderer is. She whispers to Eggs for a while, then turns her attention to Eric, but he's dead and she wants fresh meat. Everyone comments about how they've never seen someone like her, and she keeps talking about how much wine and sex they've had. It's all quite mundane.

Here's a twist that everyone no one saw coming - the maenad thought that L was an offering for her. So, the story goes like this: Tom hit him because he likes to feel like a man while sexing him up the ass, and then Mike hit him because he threatened to tell.

Sookie, taking stock of everyone that took part in the party, makes sure to note that Tara is praying to God, therefore a good person, and Jan is pathetic, because she has sex to be liked. Yeah, I know of no chicks like that at all.

There's something brewing in the air...fear and madness. Kind of what maenads bring, but not nymphs. But whatever, I guess we're calling Callisto a maenad in this book. Then screaming, then "wet sounds". I didn't think they were in the mood for sex anymore, but then, weirder things have happened.

Sookie looks up and the maenad is standing over her, covered in blood. She makes mention that Sookie escaped the madness. The maenad tells Sam she'll miss him. Then she leaves.

Overview:  Sookie and Eric go to the orgy. Sookie is repelled by the pervs at the orgy. Bill comes and gets mad at Sookie for going with Eric. Andy shows up and wants to know who killed Lafayette. The maenad shows up and kills a bunch of people (I assume it will be explained in more detail next chapter). The maenad leaves. Why was the maenad even in this book? I have no fucking idea.

Living Dead in Dallas: Chapter 9 - Trying to Tie Up Loose Ends

The chapter starts off with Sookie lamenting her "fight" with Bill. I don't remember a fight, but I guess Bill acting like a vampire and her storming off like a little bitch counts as a fight. She decides not to see him for like three weeks. Bill, acting like a gentleman, concedes to her wishes and just leaves her luggage at her door. He also gave her jewelry, which of course she opens. It goes with her ugly dress, so she takes it back to him and leaves it on his porch. 

The papers have covered the massacre at Stan's, and the public is generally pretty sympathetic, so of course Sookie mocks the situation. Sam notices that Sookie's being more of a bitch than ever, but leaves her to wallow in her misery. She tries to tell him about the shapeshifter she met in Dallas, but he doesn't want to hear it. 

Jason goes over to Sookie's and asks what kind of stick is up her ass. She says Bill broke a promise to her. Um, what promise? Not to avenge a mass killing of vampires? Because I don't remember that scenario ever coming up, and Bill promising to stand idly by while that kind of shit went on. Jason tells her that Bill has been in Bo-hunk Monroe with some other chickie. Not any chickie. Portia Bellefleur. You know, Andy's sister, whose only redeeming physical attribute is her hair. Oh, and it's mentioned that the only thing that Sookie has in common with Portia is having long hair. I think that means that she's jealous because Portia has an education, a good job, and has class. Jason's nice enough to point that out to her, which is awesome. Sookie pouts that the Stackhouses have just as long a history in Bon Temps as the Bellefleurs. I guess that's her only comeback. 

Sookie asks what's going on with Andy (remember - the whole finding Lafayette's body in his car, that being all suspicious...the storyline that's been in the far, far background).  They talk about the fact that's probably because Lafayette couldn't keep his mouth shut about a sex club he was in. Jason makes the comment that if there was a sex club in Bon Temps, chances are he'd be a part of it. Sookie says maybe it was a gay club, and they knew Jason wouldn't be into taking it up the ass from some dude. Harris makes sure we know Jason is a homophobe. Nice. 

Sookie sees Bill and Portia out one night driving. She rages to herself for a bit. Um, artard, you're the one who decided not to talk to him for three weeks and give the jewelry he bought you back to him. So shut the hell up. Andy shows up at the bar, and tells Sookie to take Bill back. He doesn't like the thought of his sister hooking up with a vampire. And she just stares at him. 

Because apparently all there is to do in small American towns is watch the high school football games, that's where she goes. She's probably looking for some 17 year old piece of ass. She gets all dressed up for the game, you know, because that's what you do for sporting events. (I've never dolled up for a game - war paint, sure, but come on.) We get (of course) a breakdown of what she wears. First, she curls her hair. She wears:

 black knit slacks (who the fuck says slacks?),

a black and red sweater (I automatically thought of Freddy Krueger),

black (hooker) boots, and

a black and red bow in her hair.

Then says "guess what the school colours are". Um, teal and purple? She comments on how sexy she thinks she looks. Yeah, because a red and black bow in your hair is just the shibby. Of course, dozens of people shout out to her how hot she looks as she walks by. But she's just so sad, she can't revel in her adoration. She then pastes one of those creepy smiles on her face. 

She goes and sits in the stands with Tara, her only friend from high school. She's sitting with a dude named "Eggs" Benedict. JB is with them - you remember, the hot and dumb as fuck dude that Sookie lets flirt with her sometimes, if she's feeling generous. They offer Sookie a drink, and she turns her nose up at it. Doesn't she know that alcohol makes sports even more fun to watch? JB pulls Sookie close after telling her what a hot piece of ass she is. JB kisses Sookie on the cheek, and she returns it. Then sees Bill looking at her. I call bullshit on that. I'm sure she noticed Bill first, and decided to make him jealous. We, the reader, get a review of how great it was being with Bill because of the lack of hearing how dudes would always think about other chicks or how they would critique her body when Sookie was making out with them. So, yeah, anyhow, Bon Temps wins the football game. 

Sookie gets home, and Bill surprises her at her door, and lays a kiss on her. They can't keep their hands off each other, and Sookie starts making weird noises that Bill must find sexy. And then they screw. Sookie revels in her triumph over Portia (not in the fact that she and Bill are back together, which speaks volumes about what a douche Sookie is), and they luuuuuurv the night away. 

Bill decides they need some pillow-talk - meaning they have to talk about Dallas. Which should have happened sooner, if Sookie were any kind of adult. Bill explains that vampires are predatory by nature, and Sookie tries to understand - or as much as her underdeveloped brain can. Then she demands to know what Bill's doing with Portia. Bill says it's because Portia wanted to know more about vampires and their way of life. Sookie says it's just because Portia wanted to get in with the sex club and figured Bill was the best way to do it. This turns Bill on and he and Sookie get busy again. 

When they're done (again), Bill asks if Sookie really sucked a bullet out from Eric's shoulder. She says yes, and Bill reveals that Eric had a knife he could have used to get the bullet out. Sookie seems to be amazed at Eric's deviousness (fucking moron), and Bill says now that Sookie has tasted Eric's blood, he will have some influence on her, and will know what's going on with the Sook. 

Oh, and Harris has Sookie use the word "refute", like it's some big feat. And points out that Sookie learned it on her "Word a Day" calendar. It's a pretty common fucking word. MORON!! There are other words I'd like to call her, but they're pretty non-blog friendly.

They go back to talking about Portia and the sex club, and Bill tells Sookie that Portia has absolutely no sexual desire for him, nor him for her. Bill says he has to go soon, since it's almost dawn. Sookie points out that he tore her clothes off, and he says that's why he bought a women's clothing store. Sookie falls asleep and notices, when she wakes up, that Bill has left the earrings he bought for her on her dresser. 

Out of the complete fucking blue, and to my complete lack of surprise, Sookie gets invited to the sex club while she's at work. By the town's coroner. Ew. Turns out that Tara and Eggs are part of the sex club, and some other town members. Sookie takes her time thinking about going. She figures that she doesn't owe Andy anything, so who gives a fuck if she could clear his name. 

Sam comes up to her and lets her know that the shifter from Dallas called him. I'd be grilling Sookie on how the shifter knew about Sam, but that's all glossed over by saying that the shifter from Dallas called around and tracked Sookie down, then found out who her boss was. Yeah, sure that's what happened. And I'm sure that the shifters in Dallas have nothing better to do than track down some other shifter in a different state. Sam brings up the maenad, and it turns out that Sam's been running around with her in the woods. Sookie's appalled, since you know...the maenad tried to kill Sookie. 

What I find funny is...it took until Chapter 9 to bring the maenad storyline back in? Jeebus Christ. Oh, and Sam's fucking the maenad. (Little different from True Blood, huh?) 

So, naturally, Sookie turns on her bitch switch and stalks out of work. When she gets home, she calls Bill and leaves a message on his machine about the invite to the sex club. Bill calls her back and tells her to stay out of the woods (because of the maenad), and also to let her know he's out of town. She doesn't want to go to the sexy time party by herself, so she calls Eric. She asks him if he was planning on visiting Bon Temps, and he says yes...and he's gonna hunt that maenad down. But since Sookie invites him to the orgy, he decides to go to that instead. Sookie says she's going in order to read the attendees' minds. She also asks Eric to pretend to be gay. He asks what time he should be there. And the chapter ends there, haha.

Overview:  Basically, this chapter is a mad attempt to include all the story lines in order for the book to be wrapped up with a nice, shiny bow (perhaps similar to the one that Sookie wore in her hair to the big Game). Sookie and Bill make up and fuck like bunnies. Sookie is invited to a (possibly criminal) sex gang, and finds out one of her good friends, Tara, is a member. Sooke finds out that Sam has been getting it on with the maenad. We are notified AGAIN about how dangerous the maenad is. Even though we haven't heard about this god-damned maenad for...I don't even know how many chapters.

Living Dead in Dallas: Chapter 8 - The Aftermath

Sookie watches as Trudi gets blown away, then notes that Chuck (a bartender) had ducked behind the bar. Eric protected Sookie with his hot bod, and of course she tries to shove him off. Then she realises that he's sheltering her from the bullets, and decides to let him stay on top of her. Eric makes the comment that he knew that someday, he'd be on top of her, and she gets all bitchy on him. Eric notes that Trudi isn't completely dead, and asks Sookie if she thinks he should make her a vampire. While she's mulling this over, Trudi dies. Way to go, Sookie. Your slow thinking kills yet another person.

Almost as soon as the attack started, it was over. The few humans who were left alive are crying, and the vamps are all kinds of pissed off. A bunch of vampires run after the perps, and Sookie notices that Eric is bleeding. Eric says there's a bullet inside and that Sookie has to suck it out. Now, if you're a fan of the show, then you know how awesome this scene was in the show. However, the scene in the book is nowhere as sexy and hilarious.

In the book, Eric does enjoy the Sookie Suck, and kisses her afterwards. Sookie enjoys it and also thinks about how great it is to be alive and how horny it has made her. Eric tells her to get the fuck out of there and look for Bill. He must be done with her. Oh, and Sookie keeps the bullet, because she thinks it will be a good way to remember what happened. Um, would it be that easy to forget?

Sookie heads outside, and gets pissed off that Bill has killed one of the gunmen. He, on the other hand, could give a fuck. Sookie stalks inside, grabs her purse, and drives to the airport. She drops the car off, gets on a plane to Shreveport, calls Jason to pick her up, and goes to bed. Oh, then cries in the morning.

Yeah...I did 2 chapters today!! Chapter 8 was unbelievably short, so I figured why the hell not. Yay me!!

Overview: Lots of humans in the house are gunned down. Sookie sucks on Eric for a bit. Sookie gets all bitchy because Bill kills some of the people who shot the house up and runs home.

Living Dead in Dallas: Chapter 7 - There Ain't No Party Like a Vamp House Party

Sookie wakes up and decides that she needs to do something. I have no idea what she needs to do, but she starts wandering around the hotel, and some dude that works there tells her that she should really stop hanging around vampires, because she looks like shit. She corrects him and tells him it was humans that fucked her up. She gets a cab to take her to the Fellowship church, you know, because it holds so many great memories for her. She looks around the parking lot and starts thinking about Gabe and whether or not he had a family. I guess it really doesn't matter anymore, and then thinks about what an asshole Gabe was. We find out that Sookie went back to watch Godfrey die, and she starts crying because he's about to flake away. Then she goes back to the hotel. It's all very...not touching at all. Trust me when I say that True Blood did a much better job of having Godfrey die and making it somewhat of a tear jerker. She then goes back to sleep. So, yeah, she just woke up to watch a vampire die. Congratulations on being an idiot.

Bill wakes her up later by nursing her ta-tas. Then they screw. She makes Bill do all the work. She must be super hot when she's all beaten up. Wait, what am I saying? She's always super hot, so disregard previous statement. Once Bill's done taking care of business, they start talking about how they have to see Stan to let him know exactly what went down the night before. We finally get a description of what Sookie is wearing.

A taupe dress and sandals. Oh, and Bill puts in her earrings because she can't raise her arms because of her beat-down.

Sookie and Bill get to Stan's and there's a vamp welcome-back-Farrell party going on. Farrell, of course, finds Sookie sexy for a chick, and says that if he were at all into women, he'd be giving her all his lovin'. They ask where Stan is and they're told he's in the dining room. They then ask where Isabel is, and it turns out she's being punished for being a bad, bad vampire. Sookie and Bill go into the dining room and Sookie thinks again about how much of a nerd Stan is...or looks like. I guess she's never heard of hipsters. But then, she's probably never heard of Prada either. **Cough - Walmart - cough**

Sookie tells Stan everything that happened at the Fellowship, and starts grinning her creepy grin. Stan calls her on it, and Bill tells her she does it because she's an artard. Well, not really, but I can read between the lines. Sookie puts her hair up in a ponytail (why, I'm not sure), and uses an elastic that Bill carries for her in his pocket. Seriously, ladies, have you ever dated a guy who carries your hair accessories in his pocket? I haven't. Maybe I've been dating the wrong kind of guys. For some reason, they all start to cry about Godfrey.

Sookie brings up the fact that if she'd found out that the traitor was a human, that they'd be handing that human over to the police, and Stan says that Hugo and Isabel are together, and Sookie starts to whine about how Stan's not keeping his word. Stan, as an upstanding type of vamp, decides to lead Sookie to where Hugo is being kept. They walk down the hallway, where apparently people/vampires are having all kinds of raunchy sex, and Sookie is "uncomfortable". Wow, for someone who gets woken up by a vampire sucking on her boobs, she's pretty uptight.

Hugo is chained to a wall opposite Isabel, and he's all kinds of naked. Stan tells her the rules of the room - Isabel can't feed off Hugo, and Hugo can't have sex with Isabel. Stan says this is their punishment for a few months. Then he asks Sookie what illegal deeds Hugo did that they can report to the police. Basically, he's done nothing illegal, and Sookie agrees that Stan's punishment seems reasonable.

Sookie goes through her moral compass. Like how she's such a whore because she's fucking Bill when they're not married, and how she lies to her friends. Sookie thinks about this while Bill lives it up at the party (what a fucking party-pooper Sookie is...sigh). Then she decides to watch Bill interact with other vampires. Some chick named Trudi sits beside her, and Sookie critiques her outfit (ummmm, ok). Trudi has: red spikey hair, pierced nose and tongue, goth makeup, low rise jeans and a crop top. Sookie's seems surprised to learn that Trudi is intelligent. Sookie, not everyone is as simple and stupid as you are. If I saw you wearing the outfit Harris described, I'd think you were somewhat left behind, and after listening to you, I'd be pretty sure of it. Sookie and Trudi talk about sex with vampires - or at least, Trudi does. Sookie leaves, because you know...there are just some things you don't do in public. Killing = okay. Talking about sex = not okay.

Eric comes up to talk to her after Sookie ditches Trudi, and they chat about boring stuff for a while. Eric assures Sookie that she was just on loan to the Dallas vampire clan, and that she's still his property. Sookie asks if Stan knows who Eric really is, and Eric says probably. Eric compliments Sookie on her shit-tastic outfit and notes she has nothing underneath. Once again I say...what?? If her tits are as big as Harris constantly reiterates, then as a woman with larger boobs, they must be hanging pretty low. Does Harris not know at all what happens to big boobs when they're bra-less? Not pretty. Eric tells Sookie that if she left Bill because she wanted to, Bill couldn't do anything about it. Oh, and Sookie compares Eric to fungus. Smart, Sookie...really smart.

All of a sudden, Sookie can "hear" something coming from outside. She yells "Hit the floor!" and all the vamps hit the floor...just as the gunfire starts. But not the humans...silly humans.

Overview:  Sookie watches Godfrey die. Sookie and Bill fuck (it's been a couple chapters - poor Sookie). Sookie and Bill go to Stan's to give the low down on the night before and find out what's the happs with Hugo. Eric hits on Sookie, and she shoots him down because she's a fucking moron. Someone ambushes Stan's and all the humans (maybe...and except Sookie) die.

Living Dead in Dallas: Chapter 6 - Basements are Bad, Mmmmmkay?

First off, I would like to apologise to you all. I have been a very, very neglectful girl. Trust me when I say that had I written during the last month or so, I would have been a total bitchface. So, yeah, you are all welcome. Anywhooooooo, on with the show.

We left off with Sookie and Hugo being herded into the basement. Of course, Sookie goes back to her fall-back artarded smile because she's all nervous. It's noted that Hugo is perr darn scared. Well, of course he is. We'll know why in a few pages (I think). The Newlins put on the pretence of wanting to show them a bomb shelter in the basement. Really? Because that's not creepy at all. Could you imagine some dude (or chick, depending on sex preference) saying "Hey, babe, wanna come see my underground bomb shelter? It's pretty rad." But maybe that's hot stuff in the South. They all go traipsing down the stairs: Sookie, Hugo, Steve, Sarah, and Polly.

Hugo's in denial of the shit that's likely to go down in the basement. Sookie allots this to him being middle class. I guess that's Sookie admitting to the fact that she's low class. She also admits to herself that she is not a civilised person. If she'd have asked me, I could have told her that, like, a book ago. Freaking savage woman...

They get to the bottom of the stairs, and a big dude with a crew cut named Gabe opens the door. I would just like to say that Gabe is my sister's name, so the name Gabe doesn't really instill the fear of god in me. It makes me think of a baby sister. Gabe wants Sarah to show Sookie and Hugo around, and for Steve to come take a look at the "guest room". That's not foreshadowing. I swear, Harris is as subtle as a sledgehammer. Sookie starts whining to Hugo about how she does NOT want to be in the basement. Steve says to go sit in the fucking room and wait until he fucking comes back. Sookie shoves Steve and knocks him back a bit - you know, because she's all strong and shit from the vamp juice. She starts to run up the stairs, but Gabe grabs her ankle and gives her a good stair beating. Well, she falls down and goes boom, really. But he hurt her. Damn, Gabe, you are in for a world of hurt now. Nobody  hurts Sookie and walks away to tell about it. Gabe shoves Hugo and Sookie into some little room, and Hugo points out that her face is messed up. Hugo, don't do that. Don't point out her flaws. The room is pretty sound proof, so Sookie decides to "listen" to Hugo. He needs to pee, and this makes Sookie want to beat the shit out of him with a chair. Jeez, Hugo, way to think too loud. He's also thinking some random-seeming thoughts about Isabel. From this, Sookie realises that he was the traitor. Yeah, because that's so fucking clear from the thoughts Harris wrote in one sentence. Jeebus. Sookie confronts him with her suspicions, and he goes on about how he was first a traitor to the human race by being with Isabel and representing vampires but then the Fellowship changed his mind. He was the one who gave Sookie's name to the guy at the airport, which was an epic failure. Oh, and  Hugo was responsible for Bethany's murder, because he passed on information that she'd seen Farrell with Godfrey to someone but it's not clear how he's exactly responsible - but Sookie declares it so, therefore he must be. Hugo's a vampire hating motherfucker. Sookie points out that he's in the room, just like she is, so he must be expendable to the Fellowship.

Gabe comes in and Hugo tells him that Sookie knows that he's with the Fellowship and to let him the fuck out. Gabe says he'd rather re-introduce Hugo to Farrell (who is chained up in another room) and alludes to the fact that Farrell will most likely be eating and fudge-packing Hugo. Sookie decides to take this time and further assess her injuries. Because Sookie doesn't know when to shut the hell up and isn't quite done with her daily beating session, she yells to Farrell that Stan has sent them, and Gabe gives her a backhand and tells her to shut up. Bitch. Haha, I love Gabe. Hugo kinda shuffles out, and Sookie thinks about what a chicken shit he is. I'm sorry, Sookie, but not every asshole is going to risk his life for you. Gabe shoves Hugo into Farrell's room and Sookie starts to freak out.

Seriously, what kind of basement is this? Doesn't sound like a church basement to me...I remember the basement of the church I went to for a little while when I was a kid. It had a playhouse and a chalkboard. Not in a creepy way - it was where the Sunday School was. Oh man, that still sounds creepy.

Sookie grabs a plastic chair to use as a weapon. Sounds effective. Gabe walks in and makes fun of her, and starts walking toward her. She charges at him and amazingly (you know, because she's Sookie and also because Harris tells you about 20 times that Sookie's had vampire blood) almost gets the better of him, but he still manages to overpower her and stun her with his stun gun. I'm liking Gabe more and more. He starts to make the moves to rape her (because nobody can resist the Sookie - and I'm thinking she's probably a lot more appealing unconscious) and Sookie tries to fight. When she gets her arms free, she "claps...hand over his ears". Really? That's the best you got? Maybe that hurts, but come on. Don't you have super sonic vampire blood in you? Why is it failing you now?

All of a sudden, Gabe goes flying (with his dick hanging out of his pants, it's pointed out), and Sookie's saviour turns out to be Godfrey. He tells Sookie that he plans to go out in the sun in the morning to die, because he's a vampire and therefore evil. Godfrey gives Sookie a bit of shit for hanging with vampires, and Sookie says it's for love. That makes it okay. The Fellowship is full of hate. That makes them bad. While they're talking, Godfrey is killing Gabe. They talk some theology, like who is innocent, what can redeem people from being evil (dying, apparently). Sookie tells him he should just go out in the sun now, but Godfrey wants it to be all pomp and circumstance. Oh, and Farrell is going to be with Godfrey. Godfrey also tells Sookie that she was going to be traded with a vampire, if the vamps were open to that trade. Sookie is apparently shaming Godfrey. Yeah, because some self-admitted low class vamp tramp would shame a thousand plus year old vampire who has thought about his death for maybe hundreds of years with no problem. Sookie blabbles on and on, and Godfrey counters by asking when the last time Sookie was in church. She says it was last week, and she took Communion. Now, my lovely readers, do you remember hearing about that? Because I don't. I'm sure if that were true, we would have had a blow by blow of the outing, including what kind of outfit she wore. This changes Godfrey's mind, and Sookie starts to lead Godfrey out of the basement. As they're walking out, Sarah and Polly are in a room talking about some boring shit, and Polly almost sees Sookie, but Godfrey shoves her out of the way. I hope she broke her other cheekbone from that. So, yeah, Polly and Sarah start gushing to Godfrey about how he's such a big boy, ready to meet the sun, and Godfrey asks what would happen if he changed his mind. Polly and Sarah get all flustered and start bringing up all the children that Godfrey has killed, etc. Then the decision is made to get Steve in there to talk some sense into G. Sookie starts thinking "Help" and wonders if she can make a long distance collect telepath call to Barry. She gathers up all her energy and does a mental tweet to Barry (or whoever else might be listening). Barry picks up on her brain waves and they have a mental conversation about where she is, who Barry should tell, what should happen. Barry then cuts her off, which seems to surprise Sookie, because nobody should be able to protect his or her brain against her.

While this is going on, Steve is trying to talk Godfrey into staying and dying for them. Godfrey asks what will happen to Farrell, Hugo and Sookie if he leaves. Steve says that Farrell will still go out in the sun, and that Hugo and Sookie deserve to die because of their sinful relationships with vampires. It sounds like they'll be tied to Farrell (though not explicitly stated) so they burn with him.

Sookie, who is standing there like an artard, is greeted by one of the Fellowship members, who notices that she has blood on her shirt. This raises some flags (rightfully so - not everyone has blood on their clothes all the time, Sook), but the one minority Hispanic shapeshifter woman, Luna, comes along and saves Sookie from being found out. Luna not only saves Simple Sookie from being found out, but also leads her right out of the church. Luna asks how Sookie knew she was a shapeshifter (and if this was pointed out before, I missed it and apologise) and Sookie says because she has a friend who's a shifter. She then gets all bitchy when Luna asks who he is, and says "And I won't tell you without his consent." Fuck, bitch, she didn't ask for his life story. Luna then asks what Sookie's story is (why she was at the church), and Sookie gives her the very abridged Coles Notes version. Luna uses the word "supe" and Sookie, because she's dumber than a fricking stump, has no idea what that means. Luna has to spell it out that it means "supernatural". Luna tells Sookie to relay the message that the shapeshifters have the church all scoped out. Harris takes this opportunity to point out how much shapeshifters hate vampires, bla bla bla.

Sookie asks Luna for a ride to the hotel and Luna tells her to find her own fucking way back. As Sookie begins to limp away, feeling sorry for herself, the church lights come on, and Luna decides it's time to get the fuck out of Dodge, and might as well take Sookie with her. The church is blocking all the exits out of the parking lot, so Luna goes on a four-by-four expedition with her SUV. Sookie actually yells "Yee-hah!" while Luna drive on the lawn. Fucking moron.

Sookie and Luna get on a major road, and they started talking about what they should do - who they should call, what the next step in their Thelma and Louise adventure should be. Sookie tells Luna she's a telepath, and then gets pissy at Luna for poking some fun at her. Douche. They get rear-ended, and somehow this makes the SUV flip. Ok. Sarah (who was in the car that rammed Luna's car with Polly) puts her hand in the window and Sookie bites her. I guess that kind of behaviour will rub off on you if you hang out with vampires long enough. Sookie can tell that another car containing non-Fellowship people has pulled up to see what's going on. The person who pulled up has called the cops, and ignores Polly when she tries to say Sookie is just her drunk ass sister. When the guy won't let Polly and Sarah take Sookie away, they try to leave, but the dude wants them to stick around so that the cops can get the insurance shit from the two Fellowship rammers.

The paramedics show up and Sookie just about creams her undies because the paramedic is hot. The Hottie Paramedic has a partner, a fat white woman, who says Sookie and Luna should get to the hospital for x-rays.  So they get. Luna manages to get a shifter doctor or something, and Luna calls Sookie "Marigold". Luna says that they need to get whatever they need to have done, done and get the heck outta there. Sookie gets worked on by the doctor, and Luna wheels her out in a chair and blindfolds her. I guess so she doesn't see her drivers of the car who are taking her back to the hotel? I dunno. It makes no real sense. The drivers start making fun of Sookie, and for once, Sookie isn't a whiny bitch about it. She just takes it. Luna starts talking to the drivers (who are werewolves) about what a bad-ass Sookie is and they're all impressed by her.

They pull up to the hotel, and Eric is waiting for her. One of the drivers thinks Eric looks deeeee-lectable. Well, of course he does. He's Eric. Eric helps Sookie out, and she immediately asks for Bill. Honey, if Bill wanted to see you, he would have been waiting outside like Eric. But yeah, turns out Bill has been one step behind Sookie since the accident. Eric talks to Bill and says that Sookie's back at the hotel, and then Eric starts to tell Sookie what happened at the Fellowship. Eric, while doing so, asks if he can carry Sookie. What is up with all these dudes wanting to carry this bitch? Can she not walk? I mean, we're told over and over again how amazing her legs are. Do they not work? Anyhow, she catches a look at herself in a mirror and she looks horrible, because she's still brunette. She starts crying. Seriously. Because she's wearing a wig and looks a bit of a mess after being nearly murdered and raped and in a car accident and beaten up. Idiot. Eric tells her to shut up and take a bath. That he'll even help her. Of course he will - even all messed up and bloody, Sookie's still a delicious piece of candy. Since Harris has to point out that Sookie is from Louisiana, she talks about some Cajun sausage for absolutely no reason. Eric starts to clean up Sookie's lumps. What lumps? Glass. Um, why wouldn't the hospital have cleaned those out? Whatever.

Bill comes in and fusses over Sookie. They all talk about Gabe, Farrell, Godfrey and the Fellowship. Nothing that hasn't been covered five times over in this chapter. Bill examines Sookie's bruises and washes her. Jaysus. After putting her in bed (wasn't it just stressed how much ass she kicked, and now she's bathed and put in bed like a five year old?), Bill tells her what went down at the church - doors were ripped off hinges, basically. Sookie tells Bill that Godfrey saved her from being pounded by Gabe. Hugo was alive, but only because Farrell likes young boys, not grown men (nice). Sookie asks what will happen to Hugo, and Bill says that's up to Stan. Sookie starts to bitch about it, saying that she had a deal with Stan that no humans would be getting killed. Urm, I seem to remember that she was ready to kill him when they were locked in a cell/room just for thinking things in his head. Bahhhhh!!! The chapter ends with Bill giving Sookie a big, wet smootch.

Overview:  Sookie gets locked in a basement, almost gets raped, and watches a man get killed right in front of her. She then gets into a car accident with a shapeshifter woman. Hugo is a traitor and will most likely be all kinds of killed. Bill does not get any Sookie nookie (**patent pending**) this chapter.