A Blog I've Recently Discovered...

A good friend of mine (thanks, Cherie) has introduced me to my new obsession - the Bloggess. The first one I read (June 2011 about the chicken entitled "Pick Your Battles" had me in tears. It is completely fucking hilarious. I highly recommend it if you're in the market for following a new blog (well, her blog isn't new, but if you're unfamiliar...).

Until next time, peeples.

Club Dead: Chapter 5 - Hooker Sookie Hits the Clubs

We begin this chapter with a description of Alcide's sister - not very interesting. Janice is tall and purdy. We're told that Sookie rarely visits beauty salons. You know, because she's naturally beautiful and doesn't need to do any maintenance like we normal folk do. Sookie tells Janice this, and Janice tells her that they need to do the works on this raw piece of mess that is Sookie. Janice wants to do this for Sookie because she hates Alcide's ex, Debbie. Janice tells Sookie that the event that Sookie and Alcide are attending that evening is an engagement party for Debbie and her new beau. Myself, I find that somewhat tacky - bringing a new (if fake) girlfriend to an ex-girlfriend's engagement celebration. When Janice starts to work on Sookie's hair, she naturally has to compliment her on it, and is all ooohy and ahhy over the fact that she's a  natural blonde (you just know the carpet doesn't match the drapes on this beyotch...and I'm thinking that she's got a bush like 1980s Demi Moore - Google it, because it would just feel wrong to post a picture of that). 

Sookie starts getting pampered. She gets a mani/pedi (red nails, of course) and a wash and set. She looks...amaze-sauce. Since Janice has been so nice to Sook, Sookie decides to return the favour. Surprisingly (not at all), there's a customer that steals Janice's earrings. Sookie steals them back from Janice without busting the old rich bitch who took them. She does so by telling the lady she has a spot of gel on her, and wipes nothing off "just for verisimilitude". Seriously. That's the word she uses. However, she uses it wrong, because the meaning of the word is "the appearance or semblance of truth; likelihood; probability". In one way, it could be argued that it's used properly, but in reality...not so much. And I think I just became dumber for trying to understand why the hell Harris would try to punch the English language in the box so hard. Then again, the legendary quote of "I must be gonna live" hurts my feelings so bad, I'm not surprised at this minor fuck up. Turns out, Janice is fully aware of the klepto-senior, and chides herself on leaving something within reaching distance. 

Sookie heads back to Alcide's place, and it's chilly willy outside. To which I say - shut up. Unless you have experienced -40 degrees Celsius with a wind chill (making it -50), then boo-frigging-hoo. Wear a goddamned jacket, pussy. Alcide's home and they make small talk. Sookie mentions that she's never really been at a salon, which shocks Alcide, so she distracts him with her shiny, red talons. Sookie warns him that she's going to whore herself up for the evening, leaving him wanting more. When she's done, she comes out and makes Alcide spill his sody-pop. Are you ready for this outfit? Because honestly, I don't know if I can find a freaking picture to match this masterpiece of shit-tacular trash. It's a red dress (described with three adjectives for red, in case you don't know what red is), with no shoulders and separate sleeves (like gloves?), is short as hell and flares out. 

This is the closest thing I could find to the description. I'm sorry guys. I'm a bit disappointed in myself. The only other thing I could find that came close was a red latex dress being worn by what looked like a very buff tranny. Which tells you something. Okay, since you begged so much (I can read your thoughts...just like Sookie), I've included that image.

She is also wearing red heels and red lipstick. To which I say whafuck? You don't wear that much red together. It's called moderation, dumbass. Nude heels, and maybe red lipstick, depending on whether or not you can pull that off...and I don't think Sookie can. Oh, and she has a silk shawl and a beaded handbag. Because you know that details matter. 

Sorry, I just vomited a little in my mouth at the thought of that outfit. Erg.

Alcide tells her that she looks mouthwatering. Yeah, you know how your mouth starts to water before you puke? I'm thinking that's the kind of mouthwatering he means. Naturally, because Sookie has issues getting in and out of vehicles, Alcide has to help her get into his man-truck. He takes her to a nice restaurant before they crash his ex's party. One woman there thinks she looks like a hooker, which Sookie takes as a compliment, because she's a fucktard. They do the cheque dance at the end of the meal, which makes me laugh. As if Sookie could afford to eat at a high-class restaurant herself, never mind paying for 2 people. Alcide leaves a good tip, which makes Sookie happy, since she can't wait to receive a bit of Alcide's tip herself. Alcide asks her what she thought of one man in particular, and Sookie says he's planning on taking advantage of Alcide...business-wise. I guess Alcide didn't know about Sookie's little mind-reading trick, so she tells him.  Sookie thinks some catty remarks about the dude's wife, because she takes care of her appearance. You know, because Sookie's just naturally stunning, blond, booby, leggy...sigh. Whatevs, dude, whatevs. Alcide tests her mind reading abilities a bit and it's boring. They discuss why Sookie's in Jackson again, and I'm bored. 

They get to the were club and Sookie asks if it's a club open to the public, and Alcide tells her it is. Sookie finds the club unappealing from the outside. Want to know what the name of the bar is? Club Dead. How funny, huh? The club is owned by a vampire and they have a goblin working at the front door. They go in and Sookie is disappointed at how lame-sauce the club looks. There are signs on the walls warning the clientele not to change into their were selves while at the club. The people who are in the bar are vampires, humans, and weres. Sookie spots a couple surrounded by party animals (haha, I'm funny). She's tall with short dark hair and the dude has a flat nose. Not hunky like Alcide at all. Sookie uses her amazing deducting skills to figure out that the woman is Debbie. She's wearing a half-normal outfit - a gold silk blouse (to which I say again - who the fuck wears silk shirts/blouses after 1995?) and brown pants - oh and boots. Sookie labels Debbie as a phony bitch. Yup, this from the woman who grins maniacally at people, thinks shit about them and is only bitchy when they don't bend to her every whim. Sookie, you're so freaking hypocritical. Look that word up in your dictionary, since you probably don't know what it means. 

Sookie orders a champagne cocktail (which I've heard only strippers and hookers drank) and Alcide orders a beer. Sookie gets all up on Alcide because Debbie's watching them, and he's confused. Since Bill has unleashed her inner whore, she's very confident in her sluttiness. Debbie eventually comes up and Sookie and Debbie engage in a bitch-off. Debbie makes fun of Sookie's hair (her own hair being more modern) which leads Sookie to shake her hair all over her bare naked shoulders and ask Alcide if he likes it. Alcide pops a bone to show her how much he likes it. Debbie alludes to Sookie being a hooker, to which Sookie takes offence. Um, I'm sorry, but just a few pages ago, some strange woman thought she was a hooker and she took it as a compliment. Sookie, for some reason, is considering herself to be lady-like and says nothing. For some reason, Debbie apologises. I wouldn't have. I would have stood by that comment, because from what I read of her outfit and shit, she seems very prostitute-y. Sookie makes a bitchy comment about Debbie's leather pants being made out of a relative and Debbie leaves. I think that Sookie's comment is much more assholeish than Debbie's. 

As the night goes on, Alcide describes the shapeshifting world to Sookie, basically being that all other shifters are poseurs and that werewolves are the only badass shifters around. They don't seem to be very intelligent, since most are brick masons and the like. (Honestly, I have respect for all trades, but I'm just being a grouchy bitch.) Sookie says those occupations are useful. Really? Really? Plumbers are useful? Mechanics are useful? Thanks for the update, moron. 

Alcide asks Sookie to dance, which delights her because surprise, surprise - Sookie is a kick-ass dancer. They slow-dance across the dancefloor (slow dancing does not constitute real dancing - it's just an excuse to rub up on someone of the opposite...or same, I don't judge...gender when you're hammered). Somehow, Sookie overhears two people talking at the bar, and instantly, Sookie knows they're talking about Bill. One of the people is human, so she decides to listen in on his thoughts. Alcide leaves her so she can eavesdrop in private. She's horrified to think that they may be torturing Bill, since it's such an un-American thing to do. 

While she's standing there by herself, some were dude grabs her for her lady-of-the-night company, and she's insulted. Seriously, honey, you look like a hooker. How many people have to tell you that before it sinks in? The guy gets a bit handsy with her and she bemoans the fact that she's wearing fake nails, since she can't make a proper fist with which to hit him.  We're put through 2ish pages of this crappy torture when finally to my utter lack of surprise, Alcide and the goblin come to her rescue. Sookie considers her need for Neosporin (???) all the while a giant bar brawl is about to come to pass. The vampire in charge of the bar puts a stop to all that nonsense and apologises to Sookie - a non-regular and stranger. I would have kicked her out, since she's the one who started the rukus by dressing like a whore and trying to stomp on people's feet. The bad and mean weres are kicked out of the bar and ordered to apologise to Sookie. Sookie's bleeding from where the were grabbed her shoulder, and the vamp points this out to her. She offers him a lick from her shoulder. Sigh. The vamp? Russell Edgington. Wow, what a coinkidink!! Just the vamp they were looking for!! They blather on about non-important crap for a while, and I think I fell asleep for a little while there. Sookie and Alcide are invited to come back the next night. 

Alcide comes over to Sookie with her shawl and there's a big burn in it. Sookie starts crying, because she's a little bitch. Alcide, being a gentleman, puts his jacket on her which embarrasses her. Why the fuck would it be embarrassing to accept a jacket when yours has just been ruined? I want to slap her so hard. Alcide apologises for leaving her alone in the bar. Sookie says she's used to it, since she's a waitress in a bar, and Alcide tells her she shouldn't be working in a bar. Again...???? Sookie jokes around (yeah jokes) and says that Alcide should marry her. They talk about how Russell has Bill, and Alcide wonders why they want Bill so bad. Sookie says she knows why, but it's a secret. 

Overview:  Sookie goes to a salon, then dresses like a whore. She almost gets accosted by men, because she looks like a whore. Sookie and Alcide run into Russell Edgington. Russell has Bill. And I despair the enormity of the pages in the book wasted on unnecessary bullshit.

Club Dead: Chapter 4 - Beefcake-y Goodness

Since Sookie's being called out of town, she decides to do laundry and other housekeeping, as any normal person would. While she's doing this, she stews over the fact that Eric is making her go to Mississippi. She also broods over the fact that Bill being in her life has fucked her royally. Although I seem to remember the Sook-meister saying that her life sucked (no pun intended) before the vamps entered into it. We're stuck hearing about her mundane daily acts of living. Oh, and we're told AGAIN how much she likes to read and how self-educated she is...even though the books she packed were romance novels. All I ever learned from romance novels is a number of ways to refer to penises and boobs. That was when I was 18, and I'm proud to say I haven't picked up one of those pieces of crap for years and years. Then she goes to bed.

A thought wakes her up - what if Bill wasn't kidnapped but went to Mississippi of his own volition. Naturally, she doesn't use that word - that would be too big of a word for her. Then she wonders if the Shreveport vamps are looking through Bill's house. 

When she decides to really wake up, there's a knock on the door, and it's a big, burly man. She immediately knows that he's a were and asks him if he wants coffee. He tells her to throw some eggs and sheit with that coffee, and he's in. The burly were's name? Alcide Herveaux. 

Yum. I'd also like to throw out a thank you to Magic Mike for giving me some bedtime fodder. Sorry, must wipe drool from my keyboard and get back to the book. In a minute. Sigh. Okay. Now back.

So, Sookie cooks him up breakfast. And we're told he eats neatly. What does that mean, anyhow? That he didn't use his hands? That he didn't drop any eggs on the table? Or that he didn't lick his knife? Whatever, dude, if Joe Manganiello licked his knife, I'd just sit there with my hands under my chin, looking dreamily at him, and tell him to do it again. And if he wanted to bring his friend, Channing Tatum, along for breakfast, then by all means.

Magic Mike. Sigh. 

Sorry, off topic again. Seriously going back to the book now.

We're told in excruciating detail how Sookie washes her dishes. She thinks to herself that her life should be cooking and cleaning for a man - amazing, isn't it, when she tries to tell herself and the reader how liberated she is? We also get a description of werewolves, and the fact that Alcide is a real man. Alcide tells her he's cooperating because his dad owes a bunch of money to vamps because of his dad's problem with gambling. Sookie tells him that Bill is the only vamp that she voluntarily spends time with, and that a were had kidnapped Bill. Alcide tells Sookie that the were that kidnapped Bill is part of a gang of mainly weres and big shifters. Alcide asks what her reason/skill is, since she hangs with vamps. She's surprised that he's never heard of her (fucktard, he's from Jackson, in another state, why the FOOK would he have heard of you??!!). 

Alcide mentions that he doesn't trust Eric, and that he might use Bill for Eric's own devices. Sookie says that Bill "knows stuff". Sigh. Yeah, he knows stuff, Sookie. Alcide tells Sookie that what he'll be doing is taking Sookie to a club in Jackson that caters to weres and other supernatural creatures ("supes"). He tells her it's a party club, thinking that she wouldn't have anything to wear. Wow, I just realized - we didn't get a description of whatever fashion-backwards outfit Sookie is wearing. Hmmmm.

Sookie mentions that his girlfriend might not like him taking another woman to a club, and he says that he broke up with his girlfriend a while ago. Sookie thinks that woman is an idiot. That to me means that she and Alcide's ex have something in common. 

Sookie goes upstairs to put on one of the "party dresses" that she bought from Tara's Togs. That she bought herself, not through Bill's tab (you remember - he bought the building that Tara's store is in. What does the dress look like? I don't know yet, because she just zips up the bag the dress is in after admiring it. I guess we'll find out what it looks like later. Alcide comes into the bedroom and asks if Sookie is ready. He nods at her curtains for some reason. I've never had a guy come in and nod at any of my window dressings. But then, I'm finding that Harris's imaginary people and my real-life experiences don't exactly mingle cohesively. 

Sookie calls Sam and tells him that she won't be into work for a while. Sam wonders who is going with Sookie, and she tells him who it is. Sam wants to talk to Alcide. Sookie gives him the phone, and goes to look at Alcide's truck. It's a Dodge Ram extended cab. A real man's truck. To me, it would indicate compensating for a lack of size. Then Sookie is pissy for some reason. That reason? Alcide told her about the dress code at the club, but a vampire never would. Ummmm, okay. Makes total sense in Sookie world. 

Alcide comes back from talking with Sam, who had told Alcide to look after Sookie. Sookie gets a bit moist while checking out Alcide's truck, and snoops on the inside, looking at Alcide's company papers (which is a bit cunty - what if there is confidential information in those papers, artard?) and finds out that Alcide owns his own company and that he's got multiple offices. She asks if Alcide's dad is a were too, and he tells her that both of his parents are weres, and the only way to produce a were child is to have both parents as weres. Even after him telling her that, Sookie asks why there aren't more were children. Alcide also says that only one child of two weres carries the were trait, and that a lot of were babies die. Sookie finds out that Alcide's ex isn't a were but a shifter. 

That makes Sookie think about Sam and we get a boring ass recap of Sam's background. Sookie keeps questioning Alcide about his ex, and he says that he doesn't really want to pass his were gene on. I find that Sookie is getting mighty personal with someone she just met that morning, maybe a couple hours previous. Alcide says that he prefers to date human chicks but that it's hard but that he "ha(ve)s to date someone". Um, why do you HAVE to date someone? Just jerk off, jerkoff. Sookie thinks about how much she misses Bill, and that she realised that watching The Last of the Mohicans. Fuck, really? 

Sookie asks about what happens if Alcide were to bite someone while a were. She's told that would turn the person into a half-were, and some other crap. He says that weres can't come out to the general public like vamps did, because they'd end up in zoos. Yeah, okay. Sookie wonders why he feels comfortable telling her all his secrets (I'd like to know that too, I would have told that nosey bitch to fuck off already), and he says that it'd be easier to spend time with her if she knew everything about him. And what has she told him? Nothing, except that she dates a vamp who was kidnapped. He also says that he feels like he really knows her. How? I don't know. Because she cooked him breakfast and he saw her curtains? And not even her meat curtains...

Alcide continues to tell Sookie his life story, and it's really all blah blah blah. They stop for gas (is it necessary for us to know that? Not at all). Sookie, being the most awesome blond cupcake in the world, offers to pay for gas and Alcide, being the hunkiest beefcake in the world, waves off her offer. But you and I know that it was just for show - as if Sookie would have paid for the gas. After they stop for gas, Sookie tells Alcide about a field trip that she, her Gran and her Sad Old People's Club took somewhere I could care less about, and that Bill spoke at the Sad Old People's Club. Alcide asks who Bill's sire is, and Sookie says she doesn't know. She also says that she doesn't think that Bill is her boyfriend anymore (um, since when??) but that she still has to find him. 

They get to Jackson and Alcide points some boring shit out to her. They go to Alcide's apartment where they "scramble" out of the truck. Why do they scramble? Because maybe that's just the way they roll in Jackson. Alcide lets it slip that he and his father own the building (which are condos) and that there are some very infuential neighbours there...meaning Alcide's fairly well off. There is a fooking boring description of Alcide's apartment. There's a kitchen, a living room, a closet, two small (??) bedrooms and a small bathroom. Wow, judge much? But...the master bedroom is big with a big bathroom. Oh, and the whole apartment is beige. And has bamboo wallpaper. 

Sookie puts her shit away, and thinks about how great it was that her grandmother is dead and that she has the house to herself, since there wasn't any money when Gran died. Then she thinks about how much she's struggled financially, and how easy the Bellefleurs have it because Bill gave them a shitload of money, and how she's so much better than anyone else because this bitch don't take money from nobody. 

Alcide comes in and asks her what the fuck is wrong with her, and she says lies, and says she's sad because she misses Bill, not because she's a broke-ass ho. Then Sookie realises that she wants to rub her sexy tan body all over Alcide, and she thinks about how warm Alcide is (as opposed to Bill, who is dead and cold). 

Then there's a complete change of subject, and they decide to go out for dinner. He says they'll go out at eight. It's currently two in the afternoon, and Alcide's going to leave Sookie alone while he goes out and does some business shit. The weird thing? She doesn't think "Oh, then I'll go out, walk around and check out Jackson, since I've never been here". No. The first thing that's brought up in the book is that his house is clean, so there's nothing for her to do there. Um, really? When I'm a guest in someone's house, I don't automatically think "Man, I've got to clean this shit up" if someone leaves me alone for a while. But then, I'm not socially retarded like Sookie. Alcide suggests that Sookie visit his sister, Janice, who is a hairdresser. Sookie, who was just whining to herself about her lack of money, is hesitant, but Alcide glosses over that fact by saying she should just go there to introduce herself to his sister, since they're supposed to be boyfriend and girlfriend and all. Then he leaves.

Overview:  Sookie meets Alcide. They drive to Jackson. We're introduced to the were background. That's pretty much it.

Club Dead: Chapter 3 - Kings, Kidnapping, and Killing

Thank you, my anonymous commenter, for getting my arse in gear to write another chapter summary!!

Sookie is in bed, with no plans on getting out of it - even when her doorbell rings. It's noted that she now sleeps in Gram's room, and that Bill has made a little dark place for himself for when he stays over. She decides that it's time to get up, and goes to look in his hole. His computer et al are in there, and she's all gooshy over the trust he has in her. She nods to herself (why, I don't know), and hides the trapdoor to the hole over and puts some summer shit over it. Then she goes back to bed. When she wakes up again, she realises that Bill is in bed with her, because there's cold arms around her. Ya, dumbass, it's Bill. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to realise immediately that it's Eric, which she eventually does. He tells her she stinks (awesome!) and that she should go take a shower. Eric tells her he needs to talk to her. She's all pissy and thinks about revoking her invitation into her house from him, but rethinks it when she figures out that if something happened and someone was there to kill her, Eric wouldn't be able to save her. 

After her shower, she puts on (seriously) a red and green sweater with reindeer on it. 

Sexy shit. She mourns the fact that Bill isn't there to brush her hair for her (sigh), as well as the fact that she's not sunbaked anymore, but thankfully because of fake bakes, she still has some colour. Then she goes on about how she loves summer. Then she thinks about how she thought that Bill would cuddle her up during the winter cold and yells "you bastard". You know, because he's missing and isn't there to be her dead old boyfriend. 

She comes out from her post-shower ritual of swearing about Bill and throwing a brush and Eric asks if Pam and Chow can come into her house. She admits them in, and we get a recap about how Sookie lives in Gran's house and Jason lives in her old parents' house. She goes on about how old the house is, and once again, I could give a fuck. 

Sookie gets some True Blood out for her guests, and then contemplates Chow. It's pointed out that he's Asian and has some tats, and blah blah blah. Then she contemplates Pam, who is wearing white knit pants and a blue sweater (not worth having a picture, sorry guys). They all discuss Bill, and Eric tells Sookie that Bill has been kidnapped. They don't know who kidnapped Bill, but some humans from Mississippi are witnesses. They're not giving up any info, and Sookie finds out that there is a king of Mississippi. She thinks that's funny, because she does not have a good sense of humour. Also, she remembers that there's a queen of Louisiana. She asks Eric if he's the king of Louisiana, and he replies that he's the sheriff of Area 5 (so we now find out Eric's title). This makes Dumbass cry because she laughs so hard. Dumbass. Eric explains how the US is divided into territories and kingdoms (or vice versa). Russell Edgington is the king for Mississippi, ordered the kidnapping of Bill, and he's the guy they have to go to if they want any real information about where Bill is. Before they go that route, Eric wants her to use her telepathic powers on the humans. Sookie wants to know what's going on, so Pam tells her:

- Betty Jo (who is second in command from Russell) was supposed to take a flight to St. Louis;

- Humans took Bill's coffin instead;

- The humans left Bill at Anubis Airlines unguarded;

- Someone took Bill's coffin.

Sookie has doubt that someone could over-ride the airline's security. The papers for Bill's coffin may have been mixed up with Betty Jo's, who was supposed to be making trade agreements with Missouri. Sookie wonders why they would take Bill, and Eric mentions Bill's little top secret project, and asks Sookie what she knows, which is really nothing, of course. Eric doesn't believe that Sookie doesn't know anything, to which she replies bitchily that Bill is an almighty vampire and she a mere human, and why the fuck would he tell her anything. Eric becomes authoritative and says that she better be telling him the truth, or there will be T-R-O-U-B-L-E. In the form of torture, which he doesn't want to do because he might break her and she'd be useless to him (dude, she's already useless...just saying). Eric lets it slip that the project that Bill was working on was behind his back, and Sookie has an "uh-oh" moment. Then she blames Bill for putting her in this situation (what situation? Of not knowing anything? Of having 3 vampire visitors? Being in danger? She does that just fine on her own). So, what does she do? She starts crying. Pam (loves her!!) says "She's leaking again". Pam wants Sookie to be informed of everything that's going on, to which Eric and Chow are doubtful. Eric tells Chow and Pam to go outside. Sookie gets pissy that they leave their unrinsed bottles on her table. For someone who is so keen on manners, I wouldn't expect my guests to take bottles or glasses to the sink and rinse them. Douche. 

Sookie contemplates fainting but Eric tells her to knock that shit off. He tells her that he doesn't want her to be scared of him, because he likes her. He also wants to fuck her. Hey, at least he's straight-up about it. Sookie notes his fangs are out, so he probably wants to do her right now. Sookie asks if he plans on torturing her. He says no. Then Eric tells Sookie the situation. 

Turns out that Bill was summoned to Mississippi by a woman vampire, Lorena, who had been seriously involved with Bill for years. She has some kind of power over Bill (I do know what it is, but I'll keep it a secret for those of you who don't know), but even then Bill wanted to make sure Sookie was looked after, financially. Sookie takes this as an insult (of course she does, dumbass). Eric didn't want to tell Sookie this, but claims Pam forced his hand. Eric tells her that her task has her life, Bill's life, Eric's life and probably others in Sookie's hands. Oh, dude, good luck with having that artard in charge of making sure shit happens. Eric tells Sookie that she won't be going into this alone, that he's hired a werewolf to be her bodyguard. Sookie and the werewolf will go around Jackson and will scan the brains of the humans around Russell's kingdom. Eric also notes that the guys who took Sookie were probably from Jackson and were werewolves as well. Sookie snarkily says that instead of her, they should have taken Lorena, to which Eric replies they may already have Lorena, and it may have been Lorena who betrayed Bill. Eric also wonders aloud why Lorena was in Mississippi and talks about how they could or would handle it, like kidnapping someone in return, which would result in a war. Eric tells Sookie that they'll get Bill back, and if she wants, they (Sookie and Bill) can be together again and reassures Sookie that he (Eric) is looking out for her. 

Sookie tries to break down what Eric has told her - that Bill was working on a project for the queen of Louisiana (I didn't get that, maybe I'll quickly re-read what I skimmed over) and can barely restrain herself from laughing about the queen thing again (fucking dumbass) and that Eric had no idea about the project.

Okay, just quickly re-read, and it mentions nothing in this chapter about Bill doing anything for the queen, but since it's been so long, it may have been mentioned in another chapter, and I've since forgotten. Anyhow on with the story. 

Eric tells Sookie that the queen told him that Bill was working on something, but that the queen doesn't know Bill is missing. Sookie asks why, and Eric says that the vamps in his area would be severely punished. Then he rubs his face on her cheek. Um, where the fuck did that come from? Sookie pushes and wants to know what the queen will do, but Eric won't tell her. So, then Sookie wants to know what she gets out of this deal. Eric say she'd get Bill back, and wouldn't that be enough? Haha, Eric! Way to stick it to her! Sookie, being the greedy bitch she is, says that's not enough, and that she wants Eric to kill Lorena (get rid of her competition, so to speak). Eric agrees, but asks if Lorena was human, would she still be asking Eric to do this. Sookie says no, if Lorena was human, she'd kill the bitch herself. 

Eric and the other vamps leave, and Sookie contemplates her new bad temper, and blames it on her interactions with vampires. Yeah, Sook, I'm kind of thinking you were a full time bitch before they came on the scene. In fact, I'm sure of it.

Overview:  Sookie finds Bill's computer in her closet. Eric and his entourage come over and tell Sookie that she's about to find herself on her way to Mississippi to find Bill, who has been kidnapped on the orders of the King of Mississippi. Sookie blames her cuntishness on the vampires. I call bullsht.

Apologies, and Apologies, and Apologies!!

I'm here again to apologise! I've been busy starting a new job and moving, so I really do have an excuse for not writing. It's been a bit of a gong show, but I promise, promise, PROMISE to write another post soon. Thanks for reading, and I'm sorry I've been such a disappointment lately :)

Club Dead: Chapter 2 - Bill Goes on a Milk Carton

Sookie arrives home to find that Elvis Bubba is waiting for her. Eric has sent him to guard Sookie until someone else who is a bit more...with it can make it from Fangtasia. Sookie tells him he's not allowed to go to work with her, and tells him he has to sit in her car. Nice. He tells her he needs to be closer than that, and she says MAYBE he can stay in Sam's office. 

When they get to Merlotte's, Harris decides to give us some history - Sam bought it when it was a shitty bar and transformed it to the amazing hang out it has become. We also get another description of Sam. All in all, fairly boring. 

Sam says Bubba can stay in his office, and asks why Sookie needs to be guarded (good question, Sam). Of course, Sookie's smiling her creepy smile while this is going on. 

Out of the complete blue, some dude tries to punch Sookie. In an act of complete not over-reacting, Bubba kills him. Nobody knows who he is, but it turns out he's a werewolf. Um, what? Why the fuck would a werewolf be after Sookie, and why wouldn't we get a little bit of foreplay before Harris tries to shove this new twist up our asses?

Bubba saw this dude out in the parking lot waiting for Sookie. How the hell would he know that he was waiting for Sookie? Did he have, like, an airport sign? Anyhow, he had gags and other kidnapping paraphernalia. Another issue - a cop is heading towards the threesome (well, foursome, if you count the dead guy). Sookie tells him that the toilet is overflowing, and can't go pee. Sam mentions involving the police, and Sookie says there's no way to explain the dead dude. 

Sam and Bubba carry the dead guy out to the car, and Sookie gets to work cleaning up the murder scene. Kevin (the cop) comes back to see if he can pee, and he's given the green light to do so. Sookie stretches her mouth into her freaky grin again, and gets to work. Her co-worker, Charlsie, say it's a slow night, and points out the local drunk, Jane Bodehouse, to Sookie. Sookie doesn't like Jane. Not because she's a drunk, but because sometimes she tries to pick up dudes when she's drunk. Sookie talks to Arlene for a bit, and smiles at Arlene's newest conquest. Man, that Arlene gets around. I'm surprised she's Sookie's friend - she seems like a bit of a whore. Turns out that the werewolf asked Arlene about Sookie, but didn't know Sookie's name. Sookie thinks about how her kids didn't get their intelligence from Arlene, because Arlene's pretty stupid. I get now why they're friends - Arlene is either as stupid as or stupider than Sookie. Yeah, so Arlene told him when Sookie would be coming in and when she would be there. 

It's a slow night at Merlotte's. Turns out that even though the werewolf was wearing motorcycle gear, he drove a car there. You know, because people who drive motorcycles ride bikes and only bikes all the time. Also, the were is from Memphis. Sookie laments the cheapness of her customers (it sounds like she did a great job of ignoring them while she was aiding and abetting a murder). 

Pam comes into the bar and asks if Bubba made it to Bon Temps. Sookie says he did, and asks Pam what's going on. The big news? Bill is missing!! Sookie acts obtuse (another word of the day - I seriously have to wonder what kind of vocabulary she had before she got a calendar). The vamps are looking for Bill, but want to make sure that Sookie's safe as well. Yeah, I'm sure that would be at the top of their must-do list. 

Pam decides to take a look at the were's car to see if she can find anything. Sam asks when Bill went missing, and Pam tells him last night. He was supposed to call, but didn't. Eric calls, and wants to talk to Sookie. Sookie, for some stupid reason that I can't figure out, isn't talking, but Eric talks to her anyhow, because he can hear her breathing. Eric assures her that they will avenge Bill and protect Sookie. Sookie starts thinking about how Bill lied to her and might be dead. Sookie has a hard time getting into her car (because she's a fucking moron who forgets how to open car doors when she's upset - this isn't the first time this has been an issue, and I'm pretty sure it won't be the last). Sookie then drives away from Merlotte's. 

Guess what? Sookie decides to get her bitch on again. She stomps around her house and puts on her...ahem...long-sleeved blue nylon nightgown. 

That Sookie is a sexy bitch. 

She starts wondering where Bill could be. Then she starts thinking about if Bill were dead, which would mean that she could go back to her "normal" life. Maybe she'd start fucking JB instead of Bill. You know, since JB is so stupid, she wouldn't have to worry about reading his thoughts. She also thinks that Bill might have left her his money, which would help her out. Then she starts thinking about how great it is to not hear vampires' thoughts. Sigh. I swear I've heard this somewhere before. Oh yeah, in the first two books. Then she starts thinking about her dead grandmother and her dead parents, and how they left her all alone too. 

Sookie gets into bed and starts crying, and thinking about how hard her life has been, and what a fucked up chick she is. She misses BIll and wants him there so he can listen to all her whiny complaints (which apparently includes cable for some reason). She drifts off to sleep thinking that she's not good enough for someone to want to share their life with. Um, dur, I could have told you that.

Overview:  Elvis is back in town, and is Sookie's bodyguard. Some dude tries to punch Sookie out, but Bubba kills him up good. Bill is missing.

I'm a very bad, bad girl...

First off, I'd like to apologise for the length of time since the last post. There is one in the works, but it's still in draft form, so it should be up in the next day or so. I've fallen a bit ill and am coughing like a motherfucker (what does a motherfucker cough like...it's more of a dry cough), so I've been convalescing.

So, please, trust me when I say the next one is coming soon!! This book is sucking ballz at the moment, and since I've been under the weather, I didn't feel like punishing myself even more than this freaking cough is punishing my constitution.

Cheers, all, and stay tuned!

Okay - here's an update. I somehow missed a page and started reviewing Chapter 3 with Chapter 2. Friggin' dur, I know. I wanted to see how close I was until the end of the chapter, and low and behold - I'd passed it. Le sigh. So, yeah, shame on me. 

Club Dead: Chapter 1 - Bill...a Computer Geek?

I know what you  must be thinking...how come so many posts in such a short time? Well, I've given myself  a kick in the ass, and let me tell you - I'm not as flexible as I thought I was. Anyhow, on with the Sookie series of moron-dom.

Club Dead:  Book 3

The book starts off with Sookie being pissed off because Bill is working on a computer. He seems to be more attached to it than he does to Sookie. She tries to turn him on, but she gets no reaction from him.

Now, Bill, don't you know that when Sookie wants attention, she gets attention? She's a hard working waitress who wants some loving from her boyfriend as soon as she walks in the door. So, she creeps behind him and gives his back the stink eye. How dare he not rip her clothes off? Because she's nosey and has to know everything, she starts to look at Bill's computer as he works. He notices and turns it right off. Um, mind your freaking business, Sookie. 

Harris starts talking about the ways you know how vamps are turned on, and about fang-bangers, and makes sure to note that Sookie isn't a fang-banger. Really? And you're going to stick to that story. Oooohhhh-kay. 

Sookie continues on with her bitchy self, and uses her word of the day - libido. Wow, she must have a very limited vocabulary if these are words she's just learning in her late (or mid, whatever) twenties. Bill tells her to forget what she saw on the computer, which is Bill making a vampire database, complete with photos. He tells her it's secret, and she has to struggle with herself to decide whether to stay or not. Wow. You interrupt your boyfriend working, and you expect him to be all "I'm so sorry, honey, I should have stopped that stupid important work that I've been hired to do as soon as you came in!!" Who has hired him to do this work? The queen of Louisiana. Sookie finds it funny that there's a queen of Louisiana. I don't know why it's so funny, but maybe you have to have the IQ of a toadstool to find certain things funny. You certainly do to think that saying "I must be gonna live" is at all in the English language okay to say. 

The queen lives in New Orleans, which is a mecca for vampires. Harris babbles on about why vamps were able to mainstream into society, and all that "I'm writing a new book, so I can fill up some pages with re-hashed bullshit" nonsense is out. Really, for a couple pages, she just talks about the world's reaction to vampires. Now what I find funny is that France, Italy and Germany are noted as not being vampire friendly, but the USA is. I doubt it. From what I can tell as an outsider, the US (or at least, those in decision making power) isn't really too fond of people unless they're white, rich, straight and of the male persuasion. I do realise I'm generalising, and I know it's not everyone, but when I look at their laws on gay marriage et al...France, Italy and Germany could generally give a fuck, but...anyhow, that's politics, and I just call BS on the USA being the leader in vampire tolerance. Maybe some day it will change.

Sookie wants to know how much more time will be wasted working when he could be spending time pleasuring her, and he says as long as it takes. Brava, Monsieur Bill!! Sookie pouts that maybe it's best if she stays away while he's busy, and he says that's a good idea. Sookie's about to start whimpering, and Bill starts talking to her (well, to her back, since he only deserves to talk to her ass right now) and says that if anything happens to him, there's copies of everything in his sleeping place. Oh, and that if he's not back in a couple months, she should seek Eric's protection, because he's going to Seattle. I don't know what Seattle has to do with anything, but I guess we'll find out. 

On her way to work the next day, Sookie drives by the Bellefleur house, and notices that all sorts of renos are going on. Harris makes sure to note that Sookie's gramma died. Does this have anything to do with anything? You bet it doesn't. Sookie believes that the sudden wealth has nothing to do with the Bellefleurs and everything to do with her. I don't understand why at all. Because you said Mrs. Bellefleur's full name in front of Bill, and he figured out FOR HIMSELF that he was related to them, and therefore gave them HIS money? Yeah, and why exactly are you responsible? Oh, that's right, you're not. Sookie didn't even find out who the murderer was, the maenad did, and then the maenad punished (okay, killed) all the murderers. Sookie "tries not to be bitter" (yeah, right) as she drives away, noting that Terry Bellefleur has a new truck (and she can barely afford the maintenance on her old piece of shit car), and thinks to herself that when Bill finally comes back, he'll be able to spend all of his attention on her, and not some stupid important work project. Poor little rejected Sookie.

Overview: Really, nothing to break down. Bill ignores Sookie because he has a job to do. Sookie gets mad. The Bellefleurs are using their money to renovate their house. Sookie gets bitter. Sookie drives away and feels sorry for her pathetic self.

Living Dead in Dallas: Chapter 11 - Clean a Mess, Get a Cake, Grow a Family

Sookie's pretty grossed out by the mess on the porch, and Eric mentions that they're going to have to burn the cabin down. Eric and Bill chat while mucking in the guts, and kind of talk about Sookie etc. I don't know if Sookie's eyes are closed, if she's in some kind of trance or what the fuck is going on, but Bill and Eric are talking about her like she's not there, but knowing that she can hear them. It's all very stupid. Sam's returned to his human form, is naked, but Sookie's okay with that. Bill and Eric find Tara alive in the gooey mess, and Tara runs over to Sookie.

Here's a lovely quote. Sookie says "I must be gonna live". Now, I googled it, and it's not from a movie. Or a song. So, yeah, it's just fucking stupid. Who the fuck would say that. Seriously. Turns out, Andy and Eggs are still alive. Tara is acting slightly mentally left-behind. Tara, it turns out, is a judgemental douchebag like Sookie, and calls Portia a dog. Harris then calls Tara inferior. So, there's a lot of cuntiness going on in the first couple pages, and not a lot of sense-making. Sam ends up driving Tara home (in her white Camero...Eric has a red Corvette - ah, the delights of thinking upper class but the reality of being white trash). Eric glamours Eggs not to remember what went down, and offers the same to Tara, but she wants to remember what a whore she was. But...after reasoning that Tara might tell what happened at the cabin, Eric glamours her too.

Sookie asks Eric why Bill hates the Bellefleurs (um, I don't think he ever came across as hating them...if so, then why was he hanging out with Portia?) and Eric says it's a tale as old as time, song as old as rhyme...

Um, apparently Portia has has decided to come out to Sex Fire Alley, and runs over to Andy, and accuses the vampires of fucking him up. Sookie says that they (the vampires) saved his life. Bil wakes Andy up, and Andy asks if the people lumps of red goo on the porch are the ones who killed Lafayette. Bill confirms it, but there's no proof. Amazingly, Mike the Coroner has kept L's wallet all this time, and so they leave it in one of the dead people's cars for the po-po to find.

Portia, seeming to be a well adjusted and polite person, apologises for using Bill in order to wrangle an invitation to the sex club. She says she hopes it didn't scar Sookie too much, and thanks Sookie for helping Andy. Sookie, being the WonderKunt she is, bitches at Portia, saying that she wasn't helping Andy, she was doing it for L. Portia then takes Andy home. I hope Bill takes Sookie home soon, and gets her to take some fucking Midol for her PMS.

Sookie asks where the maenad went, and Bill says he doesn't know. Sookie doesn't understand why Sam spent time with the maenad, to which I say that's really none of your fucking business, since Sookie doesn't like it when people question her decision to date vampires, so shaddafuckup. Turns out Bill smoothed everything out in Dallas - I'm thinking that's where he was instead of being Sookie's fuck-buddy at the orgy.

Bill and Sookie go to Sookie's place, and she makes herself a peanut butter and jelly sandwich (which shows her maturity level). Bill takes a shower, then tells Sookie to join him. She says that it will just be a tease because...ahem..."I'll be clean but...unloved." Really? REALLY? After feelings so disgusted and dirty because of the perverted sex at the cabin? I don't know, but I think after being involved in something like that, I wouldn't really be in the sex mood, especially if Sookie was as disgusted as she claimed to be. Also, take a shower, moron...I'm sure you're covered in blood and goo and terror stank. Instead, she falls alseep and is woken up by Bill the next day, feeling like "mouldy bread". Must be  because of her yeast infection.

Naturally, Sookie and Bill fuck as soon as she wakes up. And the dirty whore still hasn't taken a friggin shower yet. After having sex, Sookie decides the most important thing to do is get the newspaper, and that's when she finds a big award winning chocolate cake that Mrs. Bellefleur made, just for Sookie. Bill mentions that the cake smells delicious, and if Sookie could wear it as a perfume that he'd eat her up, and she says he already did. That means that Bill ate dirty smelly Sookie box. I think I just threw up in my mouth a bit. There's a message on Sookie's machine, and it's Mrs. Bellefleur saying thank you for helping Andy. I'm surprised that Sookie doesn't call up old Mrs. Bellefleur and say "Fuck you, old lady, I was helping Lafayette - I told your ugly granddaughter that last night!" Then Sookie says Mrs. Bellefleur's whole name: Caroline Holliday Bellefleur. Bill tells Sookie to go get his Bible from his house - turns out that there's a family tree inside the Bible. Bill starts to go through it, making mention of some of the names. Guess who Bill's great-granddaughter is - you got it!! Old Lady Bellefleur! So, yeah, Bill goes from "hating" the Bellefleurs (which I still don't recall being stressed ever) to being related and wanting to do something for them. Sookie tells Bill they need money, because they're cash poor. Really? Andy works on the police force and Portia is a successful (from what I can tell) lawyer. Why is there no money? Anyhow, Sookie asks why Bill didn't like the Bellefleurs before, and he says it's because the story he told to Sookie's gran's old lady club - the one about the soldier who was calling for help in the middle of a field - it was a Bellefleur. I don't know if I recapped that story. Nope, I did not. Whatever, Bill told a story about a soldier crying for help in the middle of a battlefield and one of his co-soldiers (whatever they're called) died trying to save him. He's apparently hated the Bellefleurs ever since.

Bill thanks Sookie. Why? Because she makes him feel human. Bill says if anything ever happens to him, Sookie should go to Eric. He says the Fellowship are still dangerous. The book ends with Bill's skin was glowing in the dark, and so was Sookie's. I don't know if that's more a metaphorical thing, but I really don't care.

Overview:  Eric and Bill clean up the maenad's mess. The maenad killed everyone but Sookie, Tara, Eggs and Andy. Bill and Sookie screw (I don't even know if this is worth repeating all the time, but I enjoy it). Sookie gets a cake. Bill gets a family.

Living Dead in Dallas: Chapter 10 - House Sex Paaaaaartay!!

Okay, just a heads up, people. I'm plowing through the last two chapters so I can be finished with this god-damned book. So...you're welcome.

Bill leaves a message on Sookie's machine saying she had better not go to the party alone, and suggests she brings Jason to the party. Uh, whafuck? Wouldn't that be one of the most uncomfortable sex parties ever? I mean, yeah, Sookie probably won't be sexing anyone up, but seriously, dude. Bring your bro to a fooking sex party? I want everyone to to go his or her sibling. Should you lack a sibling, substitute mother or father. Got it? Now ask him or her if they will accompany you to an underground sex party. Yeah. Maybe that's just okay in Bon Temps. 

While Sookie listens to her messages, she brushes her long, golden hair. I'm picturing Marcia a la Brady Bunch.

Eric walks in while Bill's cooing over the sexy night he had with Sookie. Sookie freaks out on him - because you know, that's what you do when people do you a favour. Eric asks what she's going to wear to the orgy, and Sookie casually mentions that though she knows she looks like a whore, she's never been to an orgy. Here is what Eric decides is appropriate.

A pink tank top with...

Lycra leggings. But not the same colour as above. Pink and aqua. 

With swirls (like her bro's truck).

I feel like I should wash my eyes with bleach after looking at these pictures. Oh my jeebus. This is what gay dudes wear to orgies. I've never been, so this could be very likely. But, for some reason, I don't think this is right. Sookie has no sexy clothes, so she wears shorts and a tank top. I mean, come on. Get with the program!! Why didn't she go shopping for some appropriate clothes? I'm sure Walmart has some sexy panties. The shorts are from her junior high days, so I'm thinking she's got some major camel toe going on.

Sookie mentions that they have the same hair colour, and Eric wonders if Sookie's carpet matches her drapes. I'm sure the answer is no. Eric mentions all his hair is blond. Eric tells Sookie to put some perfume on (to cover her nervous sweat?), and she puts on Obsession.

Another question - does anyone wear Obsession anymore? Really? I think that shit went out of style in 1993. I think you can buy it at drug stores now.

Eric asks what's going to happen at this party, and Sookie fills him in on her real agenda. During this, Sookie admits that she's not clever, which is just stating the obvious. She asks Eric to look after her at this party, and Eric's pretty surprised that she trusts him. Eric, feeling her blood tie, notes that she's happy. Well, of course she is. She's on her way to an orgy with a hot vampire who wants to suck her dry in order to clear up a murder. I mean, to feel any other emotion, like nervous, anxious, or upset...that would just make sense.

They arrive at the party, and Eric lays a huge smooch on Sookie, since they feel like people are watching them from the house. Of course, Sookie is an expert kisser. After kissing just one guy. Because Sookie's such a cock tease, Eric doesn't want to go in. He just wants Sookie all to himself.

So, the host of the party, Jan Fowler (I'll bet Lila is the daughter - and yes, that was a Sweet Valley reference...sue me), who is divorced (because all people who are divorced are into sex clubs) lets them in the house. Eggs is there with Tara, and is all turned on by Eric and his Lycra pants. Tara is embarrassed as hell to be there, apparently. Um, you know  you can say no to orgies. Mike Spencer (the coroner) and some Cleo chick are on the couch. Mike's nakkie and Cleo has underwear on. Cleo is also the high school lunch lady. Scrub that image out of your head. All I can picture is Chris Farley.

Mike's been titty-fucking Lunch Lady Cleo. You know how I know? Harris makes a comment on how Cleo's "huge milk-chocolate brown boobs" are all oily, as is Mike's pee-pee. Tara starts talking to Sookie while some dude is making his way up her inner thigh. Tara's, not Sookie's. Eggs comes back and starts to try to undo Sookie's shorts, while mentioning how huge Eric is.

Sookie's disgusted by the behaviour exhibited by people she's known all her life (what was she expecting, a chess tournament??), and is so happy that Eric's there. She starts to make out with Eric very enthusiastically. While doing this, she tries to read minds. Eggs starts thinking about Lafayette and his magic fingers, then about Lafayette struggling.

Jan starts to make out with Eric from behind, and starts rubbing Sookie's ass. All Jan is thinking about is Eric's huge wang and Cleo's milk jugs. She starts to read Mike's mind, and there's shit about Lafayette in there, and how they hurt him, and if they didn't stop, L would rat them out.

Sookie makes judgements about everyone there - that they're reprehensible for having sex for the sake of sex and not for the sake of love and togetherness. Um, get over yourself, bitch. Sookie tells Eric to get her the fuck out of there. Mike says to warm that cold fish, Sookie, up. Tom, the dude that was kissing up Tara's leg, takes a pause from his fish taco and gives Eric his blessing.

Sookie bitches to Eric about how dirty and disgusting those people were, and if people really like that kind of thing. Um, if they didn't, I don't think there'd be a huge calling for orgies, clubs, etc. etc. Eric mentions that the pervos are still watching them (he's laid her down on the hood of his car...I'm sure there's tons of insect guts etc on it), and starts to kiss Sookie. Sookie, of course, is on the case of who killed L, and mentions it could be Mike, Tom or Cleo. Eric is still trying to turn her on, and she (naturally) gets pissed off and says she doesn't like it. Bull...shit...

Eric is seriously trying to get her to fuck him, and says he'll protect her from Bill. Um, I don't think Bill will be pissed at Sookie, Eric. Sookie says that she'll ever have sex with someone else while Bill is her boyfriend and guess who shows up. Jason!! No, it's Bill. I just wanted to throw you for a loop, and not be as predictable as Harris. Anyhow, Bill is pissed that Sookie is with Eric.

Andy Bellefleur, for some reason, steps out of the bushes, all messy and stained. (Stained with what? He wasn't at the sex party...) Andy tells her to get away from Bill. I don't know why. He just does. Oh, and people come outside from the party. Some naked.

Bill is mad that she smells like Eric and...wait for this, it's hilarious...Sookie gets mad back. But that's not the funny part. The quote from the book is "...I lost my temper. This is a rare thing...". Um, bitch? Yeah, you getting mad? It's called a Tuesday. Or Wednesday. Fuck, it seems like you bitch out almost every day on someone else.

Anyhow, there's still the matter of Andy being drunk and holding a gun. He threatens to shoot Eric with silver bullets, which don't kill vampires. Andy starts yelling at the party goers to see which one killed L. He says if someone doesn't come forward, he'll shoot Sookie, saying that she wouldn't be much of a loss to the world (oh Andy, lurvs you!). Naturally, in the world where you don't threaten or even just dislike Sookie a little bit, shit rains down on you. She wants to squeeze Andy's balls (really, I can't make that shit up) but thinks he might shoot her if she does. Andy asks Sookie which one set him up, and she can't tell him because she's a shitty mind reader. Then Sam shows up in dog form. What the fuck is going on here? Anyhow, Sam starts to growl at Andy. Then guess who shows up!!?? Jason!! No, kidding again. You won't believe this (because it's so fucking stupid and this storyline should have never been introduced because it makes no sense and hasn't developed at fucking all)...it's the maenad. Yup. She's back. After not being talked about since the beginning of the book, and after being referenced last chapter. Seriously. So fucking stupid.

Her name is Callisto, who according to Greek mythology, was a nymph and associated with Artemis, goddess of the hunt, not at all a maenad. But then, research and logical, coherent stories are not a forte in this series. So, yeah, Callisto wants a tribute. Andy offers up the murderer, and Sookie corrects him and says it's not just one murderer. The people on the porch want some of Callisto, but Callisto asks Andy what he wants. Turns out, he just wants to know who the murderer is. She whispers to Eggs for a while, then turns her attention to Eric, but he's dead and she wants fresh meat. Everyone comments about how they've never seen someone like her, and she keeps talking about how much wine and sex they've had. It's all quite mundane.

Here's a twist that everyone no one saw coming - the maenad thought that L was an offering for her. So, the story goes like this: Tom hit him because he likes to feel like a man while sexing him up the ass, and then Mike hit him because he threatened to tell.

Sookie, taking stock of everyone that took part in the party, makes sure to note that Tara is praying to God, therefore a good person, and Jan is pathetic, because she has sex to be liked. Yeah, I know of no chicks like that at all.

There's something brewing in the air...fear and madness. Kind of what maenads bring, but not nymphs. But whatever, I guess we're calling Callisto a maenad in this book. Then screaming, then "wet sounds". I didn't think they were in the mood for sex anymore, but then, weirder things have happened.

Sookie looks up and the maenad is standing over her, covered in blood. She makes mention that Sookie escaped the madness. The maenad tells Sam she'll miss him. Then she leaves.

Overview:  Sookie and Eric go to the orgy. Sookie is repelled by the pervs at the orgy. Bill comes and gets mad at Sookie for going with Eric. Andy shows up and wants to know who killed Lafayette. The maenad shows up and kills a bunch of people (I assume it will be explained in more detail next chapter). The maenad leaves. Why was the maenad even in this book? I have no fucking idea.

Living Dead in Dallas: Chapter 9 - Trying to Tie Up Loose Ends

The chapter starts off with Sookie lamenting her "fight" with Bill. I don't remember a fight, but I guess Bill acting like a vampire and her storming off like a little bitch counts as a fight. She decides not to see him for like three weeks. Bill, acting like a gentleman, concedes to her wishes and just leaves her luggage at her door. He also gave her jewelry, which of course she opens. It goes with her ugly dress, so she takes it back to him and leaves it on his porch. 

The papers have covered the massacre at Stan's, and the public is generally pretty sympathetic, so of course Sookie mocks the situation. Sam notices that Sookie's being more of a bitch than ever, but leaves her to wallow in her misery. She tries to tell him about the shapeshifter she met in Dallas, but he doesn't want to hear it. 

Jason goes over to Sookie's and asks what kind of stick is up her ass. She says Bill broke a promise to her. Um, what promise? Not to avenge a mass killing of vampires? Because I don't remember that scenario ever coming up, and Bill promising to stand idly by while that kind of shit went on. Jason tells her that Bill has been in Bo-hunk Monroe with some other chickie. Not any chickie. Portia Bellefleur. You know, Andy's sister, whose only redeeming physical attribute is her hair. Oh, and it's mentioned that the only thing that Sookie has in common with Portia is having long hair. I think that means that she's jealous because Portia has an education, a good job, and has class. Jason's nice enough to point that out to her, which is awesome. Sookie pouts that the Stackhouses have just as long a history in Bon Temps as the Bellefleurs. I guess that's her only comeback. 

Sookie asks what's going on with Andy (remember - the whole finding Lafayette's body in his car, that being all suspicious...the storyline that's been in the far, far background).  They talk about the fact that's probably because Lafayette couldn't keep his mouth shut about a sex club he was in. Jason makes the comment that if there was a sex club in Bon Temps, chances are he'd be a part of it. Sookie says maybe it was a gay club, and they knew Jason wouldn't be into taking it up the ass from some dude. Harris makes sure we know Jason is a homophobe. Nice. 

Sookie sees Bill and Portia out one night driving. She rages to herself for a bit. Um, artard, you're the one who decided not to talk to him for three weeks and give the jewelry he bought you back to him. So shut the hell up. Andy shows up at the bar, and tells Sookie to take Bill back. He doesn't like the thought of his sister hooking up with a vampire. And she just stares at him. 

Because apparently all there is to do in small American towns is watch the high school football games, that's where she goes. She's probably looking for some 17 year old piece of ass. She gets all dressed up for the game, you know, because that's what you do for sporting events. (I've never dolled up for a game - war paint, sure, but come on.) We get (of course) a breakdown of what she wears. First, she curls her hair. She wears:

 black knit slacks (who the fuck says slacks?),

a black and red sweater (I automatically thought of Freddy Krueger),

black (hooker) boots, and

a black and red bow in her hair.

Then says "guess what the school colours are". Um, teal and purple? She comments on how sexy she thinks she looks. Yeah, because a red and black bow in your hair is just the shibby. Of course, dozens of people shout out to her how hot she looks as she walks by. But she's just so sad, she can't revel in her adoration. She then pastes one of those creepy smiles on her face. 

She goes and sits in the stands with Tara, her only friend from high school. She's sitting with a dude named "Eggs" Benedict. JB is with them - you remember, the hot and dumb as fuck dude that Sookie lets flirt with her sometimes, if she's feeling generous. They offer Sookie a drink, and she turns her nose up at it. Doesn't she know that alcohol makes sports even more fun to watch? JB pulls Sookie close after telling her what a hot piece of ass she is. JB kisses Sookie on the cheek, and she returns it. Then sees Bill looking at her. I call bullshit on that. I'm sure she noticed Bill first, and decided to make him jealous. We, the reader, get a review of how great it was being with Bill because of the lack of hearing how dudes would always think about other chicks or how they would critique her body when Sookie was making out with them. So, yeah, anyhow, Bon Temps wins the football game. 

Sookie gets home, and Bill surprises her at her door, and lays a kiss on her. They can't keep their hands off each other, and Sookie starts making weird noises that Bill must find sexy. And then they screw. Sookie revels in her triumph over Portia (not in the fact that she and Bill are back together, which speaks volumes about what a douche Sookie is), and they luuuuuurv the night away. 

Bill decides they need some pillow-talk - meaning they have to talk about Dallas. Which should have happened sooner, if Sookie were any kind of adult. Bill explains that vampires are predatory by nature, and Sookie tries to understand - or as much as her underdeveloped brain can. Then she demands to know what Bill's doing with Portia. Bill says it's because Portia wanted to know more about vampires and their way of life. Sookie says it's just because Portia wanted to get in with the sex club and figured Bill was the best way to do it. This turns Bill on and he and Sookie get busy again. 

When they're done (again), Bill asks if Sookie really sucked a bullet out from Eric's shoulder. She says yes, and Bill reveals that Eric had a knife he could have used to get the bullet out. Sookie seems to be amazed at Eric's deviousness (fucking moron), and Bill says now that Sookie has tasted Eric's blood, he will have some influence on her, and will know what's going on with the Sook. 

Oh, and Harris has Sookie use the word "refute", like it's some big feat. And points out that Sookie learned it on her "Word a Day" calendar. It's a pretty common fucking word. MORON!! There are other words I'd like to call her, but they're pretty non-blog friendly.

They go back to talking about Portia and the sex club, and Bill tells Sookie that Portia has absolutely no sexual desire for him, nor him for her. Bill says he has to go soon, since it's almost dawn. Sookie points out that he tore her clothes off, and he says that's why he bought a women's clothing store. Sookie falls asleep and notices, when she wakes up, that Bill has left the earrings he bought for her on her dresser. 

Out of the complete fucking blue, and to my complete lack of surprise, Sookie gets invited to the sex club while she's at work. By the town's coroner. Ew. Turns out that Tara and Eggs are part of the sex club, and some other town members. Sookie takes her time thinking about going. She figures that she doesn't owe Andy anything, so who gives a fuck if she could clear his name. 

Sam comes up to her and lets her know that the shifter from Dallas called him. I'd be grilling Sookie on how the shifter knew about Sam, but that's all glossed over by saying that the shifter from Dallas called around and tracked Sookie down, then found out who her boss was. Yeah, sure that's what happened. And I'm sure that the shifters in Dallas have nothing better to do than track down some other shifter in a different state. Sam brings up the maenad, and it turns out that Sam's been running around with her in the woods. Sookie's appalled, since you know...the maenad tried to kill Sookie. 

What I find funny is...it took until Chapter 9 to bring the maenad storyline back in? Jeebus Christ. Oh, and Sam's fucking the maenad. (Little different from True Blood, huh?) 

So, naturally, Sookie turns on her bitch switch and stalks out of work. When she gets home, she calls Bill and leaves a message on his machine about the invite to the sex club. Bill calls her back and tells her to stay out of the woods (because of the maenad), and also to let her know he's out of town. She doesn't want to go to the sexy time party by herself, so she calls Eric. She asks him if he was planning on visiting Bon Temps, and he says yes...and he's gonna hunt that maenad down. But since Sookie invites him to the orgy, he decides to go to that instead. Sookie says she's going in order to read the attendees' minds. She also asks Eric to pretend to be gay. He asks what time he should be there. And the chapter ends there, haha.

Overview:  Basically, this chapter is a mad attempt to include all the story lines in order for the book to be wrapped up with a nice, shiny bow (perhaps similar to the one that Sookie wore in her hair to the big Game). Sookie and Bill make up and fuck like bunnies. Sookie is invited to a (possibly criminal) sex gang, and finds out one of her good friends, Tara, is a member. Sooke finds out that Sam has been getting it on with the maenad. We are notified AGAIN about how dangerous the maenad is. Even though we haven't heard about this god-damned maenad for...I don't even know how many chapters.

Living Dead in Dallas: Chapter 8 - The Aftermath

Sookie watches as Trudi gets blown away, then notes that Chuck (a bartender) had ducked behind the bar. Eric protected Sookie with his hot bod, and of course she tries to shove him off. Then she realises that he's sheltering her from the bullets, and decides to let him stay on top of her. Eric makes the comment that he knew that someday, he'd be on top of her, and she gets all bitchy on him. Eric notes that Trudi isn't completely dead, and asks Sookie if she thinks he should make her a vampire. While she's mulling this over, Trudi dies. Way to go, Sookie. Your slow thinking kills yet another person.

Almost as soon as the attack started, it was over. The few humans who were left alive are crying, and the vamps are all kinds of pissed off. A bunch of vampires run after the perps, and Sookie notices that Eric is bleeding. Eric says there's a bullet inside and that Sookie has to suck it out. Now, if you're a fan of the show, then you know how awesome this scene was in the show. However, the scene in the book is nowhere as sexy and hilarious.

In the book, Eric does enjoy the Sookie Suck, and kisses her afterwards. Sookie enjoys it and also thinks about how great it is to be alive and how horny it has made her. Eric tells her to get the fuck out of there and look for Bill. He must be done with her. Oh, and Sookie keeps the bullet, because she thinks it will be a good way to remember what happened. Um, would it be that easy to forget?

Sookie heads outside, and gets pissed off that Bill has killed one of the gunmen. He, on the other hand, could give a fuck. Sookie stalks inside, grabs her purse, and drives to the airport. She drops the car off, gets on a plane to Shreveport, calls Jason to pick her up, and goes to bed. Oh, then cries in the morning.

Yeah...I did 2 chapters today!! Chapter 8 was unbelievably short, so I figured why the hell not. Yay me!!

Overview: Lots of humans in the house are gunned down. Sookie sucks on Eric for a bit. Sookie gets all bitchy because Bill kills some of the people who shot the house up and runs home.

Living Dead in Dallas: Chapter 7 - There Ain't No Party Like a Vamp House Party

Sookie wakes up and decides that she needs to do something. I have no idea what she needs to do, but she starts wandering around the hotel, and some dude that works there tells her that she should really stop hanging around vampires, because she looks like shit. She corrects him and tells him it was humans that fucked her up. She gets a cab to take her to the Fellowship church, you know, because it holds so many great memories for her. She looks around the parking lot and starts thinking about Gabe and whether or not he had a family. I guess it really doesn't matter anymore, and then thinks about what an asshole Gabe was. We find out that Sookie went back to watch Godfrey die, and she starts crying because he's about to flake away. Then she goes back to the hotel. It's all very...not touching at all. Trust me when I say that True Blood did a much better job of having Godfrey die and making it somewhat of a tear jerker. She then goes back to sleep. So, yeah, she just woke up to watch a vampire die. Congratulations on being an idiot.

Bill wakes her up later by nursing her ta-tas. Then they screw. She makes Bill do all the work. She must be super hot when she's all beaten up. Wait, what am I saying? She's always super hot, so disregard previous statement. Once Bill's done taking care of business, they start talking about how they have to see Stan to let him know exactly what went down the night before. We finally get a description of what Sookie is wearing.

A taupe dress and sandals. Oh, and Bill puts in her earrings because she can't raise her arms because of her beat-down.

Sookie and Bill get to Stan's and there's a vamp welcome-back-Farrell party going on. Farrell, of course, finds Sookie sexy for a chick, and says that if he were at all into women, he'd be giving her all his lovin'. They ask where Stan is and they're told he's in the dining room. They then ask where Isabel is, and it turns out she's being punished for being a bad, bad vampire. Sookie and Bill go into the dining room and Sookie thinks again about how much of a nerd Stan is...or looks like. I guess she's never heard of hipsters. But then, she's probably never heard of Prada either. **Cough - Walmart - cough**

Sookie tells Stan everything that happened at the Fellowship, and starts grinning her creepy grin. Stan calls her on it, and Bill tells her she does it because she's an artard. Well, not really, but I can read between the lines. Sookie puts her hair up in a ponytail (why, I'm not sure), and uses an elastic that Bill carries for her in his pocket. Seriously, ladies, have you ever dated a guy who carries your hair accessories in his pocket? I haven't. Maybe I've been dating the wrong kind of guys. For some reason, they all start to cry about Godfrey.

Sookie brings up the fact that if she'd found out that the traitor was a human, that they'd be handing that human over to the police, and Stan says that Hugo and Isabel are together, and Sookie starts to whine about how Stan's not keeping his word. Stan, as an upstanding type of vamp, decides to lead Sookie to where Hugo is being kept. They walk down the hallway, where apparently people/vampires are having all kinds of raunchy sex, and Sookie is "uncomfortable". Wow, for someone who gets woken up by a vampire sucking on her boobs, she's pretty uptight.

Hugo is chained to a wall opposite Isabel, and he's all kinds of naked. Stan tells her the rules of the room - Isabel can't feed off Hugo, and Hugo can't have sex with Isabel. Stan says this is their punishment for a few months. Then he asks Sookie what illegal deeds Hugo did that they can report to the police. Basically, he's done nothing illegal, and Sookie agrees that Stan's punishment seems reasonable.

Sookie goes through her moral compass. Like how she's such a whore because she's fucking Bill when they're not married, and how she lies to her friends. Sookie thinks about this while Bill lives it up at the party (what a fucking party-pooper Sookie is...sigh). Then she decides to watch Bill interact with other vampires. Some chick named Trudi sits beside her, and Sookie critiques her outfit (ummmm, ok). Trudi has: red spikey hair, pierced nose and tongue, goth makeup, low rise jeans and a crop top. Sookie's seems surprised to learn that Trudi is intelligent. Sookie, not everyone is as simple and stupid as you are. If I saw you wearing the outfit Harris described, I'd think you were somewhat left behind, and after listening to you, I'd be pretty sure of it. Sookie and Trudi talk about sex with vampires - or at least, Trudi does. Sookie leaves, because you know...there are just some things you don't do in public. Killing = okay. Talking about sex = not okay.

Eric comes up to talk to her after Sookie ditches Trudi, and they chat about boring stuff for a while. Eric assures Sookie that she was just on loan to the Dallas vampire clan, and that she's still his property. Sookie asks if Stan knows who Eric really is, and Eric says probably. Eric compliments Sookie on her shit-tastic outfit and notes she has nothing underneath. Once again I say...what?? If her tits are as big as Harris constantly reiterates, then as a woman with larger boobs, they must be hanging pretty low. Does Harris not know at all what happens to big boobs when they're bra-less? Not pretty. Eric tells Sookie that if she left Bill because she wanted to, Bill couldn't do anything about it. Oh, and Sookie compares Eric to fungus. Smart, Sookie...really smart.

All of a sudden, Sookie can "hear" something coming from outside. She yells "Hit the floor!" and all the vamps hit the floor...just as the gunfire starts. But not the humans...silly humans.

Overview:  Sookie watches Godfrey die. Sookie and Bill fuck (it's been a couple chapters - poor Sookie). Sookie and Bill go to Stan's to give the low down on the night before and find out what's the happs with Hugo. Eric hits on Sookie, and she shoots him down because she's a fucking moron. Someone ambushes Stan's and all the humans (maybe...and except Sookie) die.

Living Dead in Dallas: Chapter 6 - Basements are Bad, Mmmmmkay?

First off, I would like to apologise to you all. I have been a very, very neglectful girl. Trust me when I say that had I written during the last month or so, I would have been a total bitchface. So, yeah, you are all welcome. Anywhooooooo, on with the show.

We left off with Sookie and Hugo being herded into the basement. Of course, Sookie goes back to her fall-back artarded smile because she's all nervous. It's noted that Hugo is perr darn scared. Well, of course he is. We'll know why in a few pages (I think). The Newlins put on the pretence of wanting to show them a bomb shelter in the basement. Really? Because that's not creepy at all. Could you imagine some dude (or chick, depending on sex preference) saying "Hey, babe, wanna come see my underground bomb shelter? It's pretty rad." But maybe that's hot stuff in the South. They all go traipsing down the stairs: Sookie, Hugo, Steve, Sarah, and Polly.

Hugo's in denial of the shit that's likely to go down in the basement. Sookie allots this to him being middle class. I guess that's Sookie admitting to the fact that she's low class. She also admits to herself that she is not a civilised person. If she'd have asked me, I could have told her that, like, a book ago. Freaking savage woman...

They get to the bottom of the stairs, and a big dude with a crew cut named Gabe opens the door. I would just like to say that Gabe is my sister's name, so the name Gabe doesn't really instill the fear of god in me. It makes me think of a baby sister. Gabe wants Sarah to show Sookie and Hugo around, and for Steve to come take a look at the "guest room". That's not foreshadowing. I swear, Harris is as subtle as a sledgehammer. Sookie starts whining to Hugo about how she does NOT want to be in the basement. Steve says to go sit in the fucking room and wait until he fucking comes back. Sookie shoves Steve and knocks him back a bit - you know, because she's all strong and shit from the vamp juice. She starts to run up the stairs, but Gabe grabs her ankle and gives her a good stair beating. Well, she falls down and goes boom, really. But he hurt her. Damn, Gabe, you are in for a world of hurt now. Nobody  hurts Sookie and walks away to tell about it. Gabe shoves Hugo and Sookie into some little room, and Hugo points out that her face is messed up. Hugo, don't do that. Don't point out her flaws. The room is pretty sound proof, so Sookie decides to "listen" to Hugo. He needs to pee, and this makes Sookie want to beat the shit out of him with a chair. Jeez, Hugo, way to think too loud. He's also thinking some random-seeming thoughts about Isabel. From this, Sookie realises that he was the traitor. Yeah, because that's so fucking clear from the thoughts Harris wrote in one sentence. Jeebus. Sookie confronts him with her suspicions, and he goes on about how he was first a traitor to the human race by being with Isabel and representing vampires but then the Fellowship changed his mind. He was the one who gave Sookie's name to the guy at the airport, which was an epic failure. Oh, and  Hugo was responsible for Bethany's murder, because he passed on information that she'd seen Farrell with Godfrey to someone but it's not clear how he's exactly responsible - but Sookie declares it so, therefore he must be. Hugo's a vampire hating motherfucker. Sookie points out that he's in the room, just like she is, so he must be expendable to the Fellowship.

Gabe comes in and Hugo tells him that Sookie knows that he's with the Fellowship and to let him the fuck out. Gabe says he'd rather re-introduce Hugo to Farrell (who is chained up in another room) and alludes to the fact that Farrell will most likely be eating and fudge-packing Hugo. Sookie decides to take this time and further assess her injuries. Because Sookie doesn't know when to shut the hell up and isn't quite done with her daily beating session, she yells to Farrell that Stan has sent them, and Gabe gives her a backhand and tells her to shut up. Bitch. Haha, I love Gabe. Hugo kinda shuffles out, and Sookie thinks about what a chicken shit he is. I'm sorry, Sookie, but not every asshole is going to risk his life for you. Gabe shoves Hugo into Farrell's room and Sookie starts to freak out.

Seriously, what kind of basement is this? Doesn't sound like a church basement to me...I remember the basement of the church I went to for a little while when I was a kid. It had a playhouse and a chalkboard. Not in a creepy way - it was where the Sunday School was. Oh man, that still sounds creepy.

Sookie grabs a plastic chair to use as a weapon. Sounds effective. Gabe walks in and makes fun of her, and starts walking toward her. She charges at him and amazingly (you know, because she's Sookie and also because Harris tells you about 20 times that Sookie's had vampire blood) almost gets the better of him, but he still manages to overpower her and stun her with his stun gun. I'm liking Gabe more and more. He starts to make the moves to rape her (because nobody can resist the Sookie - and I'm thinking she's probably a lot more appealing unconscious) and Sookie tries to fight. When she gets her arms free, she "claps...hand over his ears". Really? That's the best you got? Maybe that hurts, but come on. Don't you have super sonic vampire blood in you? Why is it failing you now?

All of a sudden, Gabe goes flying (with his dick hanging out of his pants, it's pointed out), and Sookie's saviour turns out to be Godfrey. He tells Sookie that he plans to go out in the sun in the morning to die, because he's a vampire and therefore evil. Godfrey gives Sookie a bit of shit for hanging with vampires, and Sookie says it's for love. That makes it okay. The Fellowship is full of hate. That makes them bad. While they're talking, Godfrey is killing Gabe. They talk some theology, like who is innocent, what can redeem people from being evil (dying, apparently). Sookie tells him he should just go out in the sun now, but Godfrey wants it to be all pomp and circumstance. Oh, and Farrell is going to be with Godfrey. Godfrey also tells Sookie that she was going to be traded with a vampire, if the vamps were open to that trade. Sookie is apparently shaming Godfrey. Yeah, because some self-admitted low class vamp tramp would shame a thousand plus year old vampire who has thought about his death for maybe hundreds of years with no problem. Sookie blabbles on and on, and Godfrey counters by asking when the last time Sookie was in church. She says it was last week, and she took Communion. Now, my lovely readers, do you remember hearing about that? Because I don't. I'm sure if that were true, we would have had a blow by blow of the outing, including what kind of outfit she wore. This changes Godfrey's mind, and Sookie starts to lead Godfrey out of the basement. As they're walking out, Sarah and Polly are in a room talking about some boring shit, and Polly almost sees Sookie, but Godfrey shoves her out of the way. I hope she broke her other cheekbone from that. So, yeah, Polly and Sarah start gushing to Godfrey about how he's such a big boy, ready to meet the sun, and Godfrey asks what would happen if he changed his mind. Polly and Sarah get all flustered and start bringing up all the children that Godfrey has killed, etc. Then the decision is made to get Steve in there to talk some sense into G. Sookie starts thinking "Help" and wonders if she can make a long distance collect telepath call to Barry. She gathers up all her energy and does a mental tweet to Barry (or whoever else might be listening). Barry picks up on her brain waves and they have a mental conversation about where she is, who Barry should tell, what should happen. Barry then cuts her off, which seems to surprise Sookie, because nobody should be able to protect his or her brain against her.

While this is going on, Steve is trying to talk Godfrey into staying and dying for them. Godfrey asks what will happen to Farrell, Hugo and Sookie if he leaves. Steve says that Farrell will still go out in the sun, and that Hugo and Sookie deserve to die because of their sinful relationships with vampires. It sounds like they'll be tied to Farrell (though not explicitly stated) so they burn with him.

Sookie, who is standing there like an artard, is greeted by one of the Fellowship members, who notices that she has blood on her shirt. This raises some flags (rightfully so - not everyone has blood on their clothes all the time, Sook), but the one minority Hispanic shapeshifter woman, Luna, comes along and saves Sookie from being found out. Luna not only saves Simple Sookie from being found out, but also leads her right out of the church. Luna asks how Sookie knew she was a shapeshifter (and if this was pointed out before, I missed it and apologise) and Sookie says because she has a friend who's a shifter. She then gets all bitchy when Luna asks who he is, and says "And I won't tell you without his consent." Fuck, bitch, she didn't ask for his life story. Luna then asks what Sookie's story is (why she was at the church), and Sookie gives her the very abridged Coles Notes version. Luna uses the word "supe" and Sookie, because she's dumber than a fricking stump, has no idea what that means. Luna has to spell it out that it means "supernatural". Luna tells Sookie to relay the message that the shapeshifters have the church all scoped out. Harris takes this opportunity to point out how much shapeshifters hate vampires, bla bla bla.

Sookie asks Luna for a ride to the hotel and Luna tells her to find her own fucking way back. As Sookie begins to limp away, feeling sorry for herself, the church lights come on, and Luna decides it's time to get the fuck out of Dodge, and might as well take Sookie with her. The church is blocking all the exits out of the parking lot, so Luna goes on a four-by-four expedition with her SUV. Sookie actually yells "Yee-hah!" while Luna drive on the lawn. Fucking moron.

Sookie and Luna get on a major road, and they started talking about what they should do - who they should call, what the next step in their Thelma and Louise adventure should be. Sookie tells Luna she's a telepath, and then gets pissy at Luna for poking some fun at her. Douche. They get rear-ended, and somehow this makes the SUV flip. Ok. Sarah (who was in the car that rammed Luna's car with Polly) puts her hand in the window and Sookie bites her. I guess that kind of behaviour will rub off on you if you hang out with vampires long enough. Sookie can tell that another car containing non-Fellowship people has pulled up to see what's going on. The person who pulled up has called the cops, and ignores Polly when she tries to say Sookie is just her drunk ass sister. When the guy won't let Polly and Sarah take Sookie away, they try to leave, but the dude wants them to stick around so that the cops can get the insurance shit from the two Fellowship rammers.

The paramedics show up and Sookie just about creams her undies because the paramedic is hot. The Hottie Paramedic has a partner, a fat white woman, who says Sookie and Luna should get to the hospital for x-rays.  So they get. Luna manages to get a shifter doctor or something, and Luna calls Sookie "Marigold". Luna says that they need to get whatever they need to have done, done and get the heck outta there. Sookie gets worked on by the doctor, and Luna wheels her out in a chair and blindfolds her. I guess so she doesn't see her drivers of the car who are taking her back to the hotel? I dunno. It makes no real sense. The drivers start making fun of Sookie, and for once, Sookie isn't a whiny bitch about it. She just takes it. Luna starts talking to the drivers (who are werewolves) about what a bad-ass Sookie is and they're all impressed by her.

They pull up to the hotel, and Eric is waiting for her. One of the drivers thinks Eric looks deeeee-lectable. Well, of course he does. He's Eric. Eric helps Sookie out, and she immediately asks for Bill. Honey, if Bill wanted to see you, he would have been waiting outside like Eric. But yeah, turns out Bill has been one step behind Sookie since the accident. Eric talks to Bill and says that Sookie's back at the hotel, and then Eric starts to tell Sookie what happened at the Fellowship. Eric, while doing so, asks if he can carry Sookie. What is up with all these dudes wanting to carry this bitch? Can she not walk? I mean, we're told over and over again how amazing her legs are. Do they not work? Anyhow, she catches a look at herself in a mirror and she looks horrible, because she's still brunette. She starts crying. Seriously. Because she's wearing a wig and looks a bit of a mess after being nearly murdered and raped and in a car accident and beaten up. Idiot. Eric tells her to shut up and take a bath. That he'll even help her. Of course he will - even all messed up and bloody, Sookie's still a delicious piece of candy. Since Harris has to point out that Sookie is from Louisiana, she talks about some Cajun sausage for absolutely no reason. Eric starts to clean up Sookie's lumps. What lumps? Glass. Um, why wouldn't the hospital have cleaned those out? Whatever.

Bill comes in and fusses over Sookie. They all talk about Gabe, Farrell, Godfrey and the Fellowship. Nothing that hasn't been covered five times over in this chapter. Bill examines Sookie's bruises and washes her. Jaysus. After putting her in bed (wasn't it just stressed how much ass she kicked, and now she's bathed and put in bed like a five year old?), Bill tells her what went down at the church - doors were ripped off hinges, basically. Sookie tells Bill that Godfrey saved her from being pounded by Gabe. Hugo was alive, but only because Farrell likes young boys, not grown men (nice). Sookie asks what will happen to Hugo, and Bill says that's up to Stan. Sookie starts to bitch about it, saying that she had a deal with Stan that no humans would be getting killed. Urm, I seem to remember that she was ready to kill him when they were locked in a cell/room just for thinking things in his head. Bahhhhh!!! The chapter ends with Bill giving Sookie a big, wet smootch.

Overview:  Sookie gets locked in a basement, almost gets raped, and watches a man get killed right in front of her. She then gets into a car accident with a shapeshifter woman. Hugo is a traitor and will most likely be all kinds of killed. Bill does not get any Sookie nookie (**patent pending**) this chapter.